No. I didn’t have to watch this film. And no logical human with a working knowledge and hatred of The Human Centipede would have. By now, however, I shouldn’t have to justify viewing indulgence. And somewhere within my inner rolodex of movie consumption there was indeed a blank space, and not just any blank space – one that could possibly hold the worst film of all time. The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is not the very worst film I’ve ever seen, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. And it is awful.
Two years earlier, writer/director and chief sadist Tom Six introduced us to his take on horror – a line of people surgically connected mouth-to-anus as if one collective grotesque, tortured beast. If your definition of “horror” is that which is horrific, The Human Centipede was the dictionary illustration. There was a campy understanding in the film that Tom Six was showing us something that was actually worse than death.
The first film had a mere three humans in the chain. Centipede II aimed for twelve bodies. And the first, with an actual doctor performing sterile surgery, seemed downright civil by Centipede II’s standard. Mentally challenged Martin (Laurence R. Harvey) is an underground parking garage attendant obsessed with The Human Centipede. The first film is considered fiction in this telling – Martin has his own lovingly created scrapbook of the film and re-watches it often while patrons park their vehicles. And all the while, Martin dreams, “someday, I’m gonna kidnap those people.”
Obese, slow, dwarfish, dimwitted, remorseless and mute except for emotionally charged sound-effects, Martin often appears to us dressed only in tighty-whities, the effect being that near all audience members wish he would get on with it. If you’re gonna make a Human Centipede, by all means, start, because this visual isn’t exactly a treat, either. Early on, we are introduced to Martin’s family life and it’s pretty clear that Tom Six intended to make an incredibly offensive film, one rooted entirely in repulsion as an art form. Martin’s crone of a mother cows him repeatedly, even going so far as attempted murder later in the film. Their family counselor exists to work Martin through the childhood trauma of sexual abuse at the hands of his deceased father … all the while trying to bed Martin himself. What kind of mind would write such a dynamic?
Martin collects people by clubbing them with a crowbar – this technique also doubles as “anesthetic”–, carting them to an empty warehouse, stripping them and leaving them for dead. There is an intense
amount of victimhood here – none of the dozen really even tries to escape. “No, don’t get up or roll yourself to an exit, just lie there and moan like an infant.” Ugh, there’s just so much to hate about this film. I’m going to stop here and sum up.
Hmmm, what did I find the most offensive? Is it the pregnant Centipede member? Was it Martin’s slovenly disgust? Was it the director’s constant egotistical self-referential patter? Was it the black & white film – a choice I believe made because the “tendons” being severed were obviously plastic pipes? Was it Martin’s requests for the “stars” of Human Centipede to come for a London audition? What? They’re busy on other films? Yeah. Sure they are. Make sure to tip your fluffer.
The Human Centipede II is sensationalism at its worst. Tom Six knew he wasn’t even going for tongue-in-cheek art here. This a pander to sycophants amazed by how jarring the original film was, but whatever sick charm or black humor that might have existed in the original is completely missing here. There are snuff films with more artistic merit than Human Centipede II. How can I make such a statement without ever having seen a snuff film? Because I’ve seen Human Centipede II.
I’ll give it this much – it was better than The Passion of the Christ.
♪And still I dream of centipede
One dozen humans chained together
Yet there are bound’ries that impede
And folks I just might have to tether
I have a dream that I could see
A vision from this show I’m watching
A vision of evil indeed
Now that I’ve seen The Human
Centipede♫
Not Rated (but *come on*), 91 Minutes
D: Tom Six
W: Tom Six
Genre: Ugly for ugly’s sake
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Sadists
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People with even the smallest amount of taste
♪ Parody inspired by “I Dreamed a Dream”
