I feel like I see this same stupid film every year. It’s the one where some innocent moves into a new and ridiculously ideal situation, but there’s a catch – a rival, some scorned and unstable master of gaslighting, succeeds at manipulating reality because nobody in the film ever communicates. The film usually ends up in a deadly catfight between two pretty people who wouldn’t under any other circumstances have to compete for anything.
So here’s the 4-1-1: David Connover (Geoff Stults), you know David, the guy who left Merrill Lynch to start his own microbrewery? Oh yeah, he and Tessa (Katherine Heigl) split about a year ago. That poor girl of theirs. Tessa is so type A; it must be awful being her daughter. You know “Connover” sounds a whole lot like “conniver?” I never thought of that. Huh. That might fit Tessa; she’s always got a plot up her sleeve, but not David; he’s just perfect sigh Sadly, another woman has already moved in – her name is Julia (Rosario Dawson) and she’s from San Francisco. She seems so sweet; I just hate her! Well, seriously, I hope she doesn’t get caught up in one of Tessa’s little schemes. I swear I that woman has a screw loose or something. You know last year, she actually lost it at the PTA meeting because her child is on a vegan diet and Imelda Perez – you know, Cassie’s mother—brought ranch flavored Wheat Thins to the soccer game and she was like “oh my God! You’re trying to kill my child” and Immy was like, “I didn’t know these weren’t vegan” and she was like, “you need to get those out of here and then apologize to my child!” and SHE was like, “uh-UH. Oh, HELL no, you albino lamp post!” And then SHE was like …
Sorry about that. Apparently, I channeled “Gossip Mode” for this review.
The poorly named Unforgettable opens with a flash forward – a bruised Julia being interrogated in a police station. She has a restraining order with her ex- and that’s obviously going to surface at some point. Why does a film like this need a flash forward? Do we not care about Julia otherwise? I really don’t get that one. The paint-by-numbers script has Tessa playing nice to Julia’s face and then immediately unleashing her own backdoor kraken when the two are apart. Tessa steals Julia’s phone, breaks the encrypted password in three attempts :eyeroll: and,
well isn’t this convenient? All of Julia’s pertinent legal information, including passport and restraining order, can be found on her phone. The gaslighting has begun. Thieve a wedding ring here, a personalized watch there, and *presto* doubt. Yeah, standard crazy. Even so, sexting under Julia’s name with her restrained ex- and using your own daughter as a pawn seem beyond-the-pale underhanded.
And what’s the end game here? David obviously doesn’t want Julia back. The best she can do is get rid of Julia, which will probably make David cynical about any relationship, including theirs. The script bundles this all under “crazy,” which works up to the point where Unforgettable is entertaining [read: never].
People my age might get a kick out of a Cheryl Ladd sighting as Tessa’s mother. Ladd, of course, replaced Farrah Fawcett on “Charlie’s Angels” and –far as I can tell- was never heard from since. Shame, she was, dare I say, Unforgettable.
♪Unforgiveable, that’s what this is
Unforgiveable, stay out my biz
Like a stain of tar that clings to me
Screenplay written by some chimpanzee
Ever before it’s ennui once more♫
Rated R, 100 Minutes
D: Denise Di Novi
W: Christina Hodson, David Leslie Johnson
Genre: That’s my life!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Jealous exes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who can’t stand how stupid movie people are
♪ Parody inspired by “Unforgettable”
