How is it of all the ancient cultures, only the Egyptians managed life after death? You want immortality? Screw that brain-in-a-jar stuff … what you need to do is wrap yourself completely in toilet paper and make alliance with the god Osiris. By the way, you don’t have any strong religious beliefs do you? Good.
The problem with Egyptian immortality is that the dudes always gotta blow it. You can’t just wake up, unwind (literally), and have an umbrella drink or two. You always gotta suck face with the nearest mortal until he ain’t so mortal no more. I gotta believe that even in ancient Egypt leaving a trail of corpses was frowned upon.
If I’m being honest, I don’t even get the whole “curse” thing. You’ve been bound and entombed for 5,000 years and you aren’t a little grateful for being brought back to life? A small gesture would be nice … maybe some brownies or a fruit basket? Your culture had papyrus and hieroglyphs; don’t try telling me a “thank you note” is a foreign idea. But, nooooooo … instead, it’s “curse on you,” “curse on you,” “curse on you,” blah, blah. Hey! Bandage girl! Wrap it up, will ya?
I suppose you need the background – spiteful ancient Egyptian princess Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella) gets knocked off the path to the throne and decides, “Oh, Hell no.” I meant that literally as she then summons underworld god Osiris for a swap meet. Seems a little drastic when all she had to do was kill a newborn –which she does anyway – my guess is Princess A ain’t the “Let It Go” type. Deal is Ahmanet gets the throne, Osiris gets to walk the earth, like Caine in “Kung Fu.” Osiris honors the alliance with Ahmanet by making her a walking Kindle. “Oooh, I love this one; it’s about a young pharaoh who can’t decide whether or not to avenge his murdered father … babe, stop squirming. I can’t read your shoulder blade.”
Meanwhile, in our century, there’s seedy stuff with Tom Cruise. A time honored and multi-cultural profession, grave robbing is enjoyed by many people of the world, so we can’t be terribly surprised that Nick (Cruise) and Chris (Jake Johnson) want to indulge in the belly of Mesopotamia despite the war going on around them. Well, check it out, an Egyptian tomb. In Iraq. Yes, that’s stupid, but the movie makes a point that this is an anomaly; it just doesn’t explain it. Ok, fine. Place looks pretty good despite missing a maid for the past few millennia. Of course, you can’t have a film entitled The Mummy without one, so Nick makes the unbelievably reckless move of deliberately triggering the process. And the chain he severs eventually entitles him to a lethal curse, immortality on the planet as a living god, and a free FroYo at TCBYs of Giza.
Of course, The Mummy has to catch Cruise first, which seems simple enough as they plane together back to England. This leads to the awkwardness of plane travel with a Mummy; the bandaged-undead would rather crash land than indulge in delicious pouch of honey-roasted peanuts. The crash is the most exciting scene in the film, so try not to blink, even when possessed Jake Johnson decides he’s on Team Mummy.
Until Russell Crowe shows up, you could still almost imagine you were watching a decent film. No, it wasn’t good by any stretch, but somewhere in the
middle, Russell Crowe enters, introduces himself as “Dr. Jekyll” and no one calls him on it. Really? No one? Cruise? Annabelle Wallis? Mummy girl? Not one of you is going to mention the fiction by Robert Louis Stevenson. Oh, I get it. Russell Crowe really is Dr. Jekyll. Super. Tell me when Dr. Frankenstein and Lord Voldemort show up. I’m sure they’ll make wonderful secondary characters here as well.
I’ve been quick to defend Cruise for recent choices; much as I think the man is batshit crazy, most of his films are entertaining, no question. Pal, you’re on your own here; The Mummy is dreadful. I suppose it makes for low-to-middling horror, but sold as action/adventure under the Cruise label, this film is a bad joke. I have no idea what possessed Cruise to jump out of his comfort zone – oh yes, the part where The Mummy chooses him as the living embodiment of a god. Yeah, your royal toothiness … you can bite me. So let it be written; so let it be done.
Gotta say, that Cruise has it rough
Those darn “saners” always messin’ with stuff
Yet Mummy’s next level
Of his pact with The Devil
Is self-proclaimed god not enough?
Rated PG-13, 110 Minutes
D: Alex Kurtzman
W: David Koepp and Christopher McQuarrie (“Christopher Mc-What-Me-Worry?”) and Dylan Kussman
Genre: Inviting the dead for a tea party
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno, mummies?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Archaeologists
