This is one of those art-meets-real-life moments. You see, Amy Poehler and I were schoolmates in the fall of 1989. I don’t remember her on campus, so it’s possible at least one of us was fictional. And now, just a few brief decades later, Amy Poehler’s alter ego needs to pay for her daughter’s college at the exact same time I get to do the same in real life. Ooooooo, amIright? Ok, so maybe it’s not that coincidental, but still, here’s a film about parents attempting to finance college for their only child daughter just like my present reality. My daughter’s new school is going to issue me a bill –a very, very expensive bill- within a week of this publishing.
As movie themes go, gambling is the craps. The reason is simple: in the movies, most gamblers win, while in real life, most gamblers lose. And if you think that’s a coincidence, I have some southern Nevada real estate for sale. So perhaps a movie where normal people are The House would be better, yes? Alex Johansen (Ryan Simpkins. “Alex?” “Ryan?” I’m really thinkin’ “boy” here. Not that it matters, of course, but I’m pretty sure that’s a mistaken impression) gets into Bucknell University. Woohoo! Go Bisons! Her supportive, but stupid, parents Scott and Kate (Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler) are ecstatic until they realize exactly how much it’s gonna cost. The expense of college by itself deserves a separate documentary. If you don’t know and don’t have eventual college bound children, DO NOT look it up. You will immediately hate yourself and feel sorry for anybody you know currently under the yoke. And, btw, it’s a lot more than the “raising minimum wage is an outrage!” crew imagines it to be. Most of the rest of us have known this for years; that’s why we voted for Bernie. But I digress.
Well, Scott, Kate, Alex, how are we going to pay for Bucknell? Ungodly student loans? Prostitution? Second, third and fourth mortgages (to cover the first semester only)? Selling your soul? How much does a soul get on the open market, anyway? Most of the congressmen avid for ACA repeal seem pretty well off, so I think that should cover college … assuming on-time graduation. The Johansen money woes don’t prohibit a trip to Vegas with their gambling-addicted mess of a friend, Frank (Jason Mantzoukas), and after a predictable Vegasfail, the three come to the conclusion that if The House always wins, why can’t we be The House?
Huh. Sure, why not? I mean, aside from the fact that such is illegal, reckless, illegal, stupid, illegal, dangerous, illegal, illegal, and requires serious capital up front, it seems like a great idea. So Frank, now separated, but keeping the soon-to-be-foreclosed property – lucky him—turns it into a casino. The upfront capital outlay goes unexplained. Never mind. As “professional” as The House becomes –speakeasy gambling wise—the unprofessional touches are the best of the film: the next door neighbor doing weak stand-up in an unused bedroom, fight night involving PTA grudge matches, Scott and Kate themselves as enforcers. For me, the good time ends where reality begins. 
Normal people don’t own casinos for a royal flush of practical reasons, and the Will Ferrell/Amy Poehler enforcer shtick gets real old, real fast.
I think what bugged me most by the end of this film is the zero sum nature of neighborhood gambling – assuming these three do make enough money to cover college, or in Frank’s case, his mortgage, where does it come from? Friends and neighbors, obviously. No one else knows there’s a suburban house fronting as a casino. Isn’t this then just a redistribution of wealth at the expense of people you “care” about? The key to running a casino in my mind is blindly thieving from random suckers … precious, neophytic, unknown suckers. You’d never open a casino and immediately get out your phonebook to invite mom to come lose money, would you? I don’t know. I do know this – a great film railing against the expense of college tuition is out there waiting to be made and this film isn’t it.
Kate and Scott take a problem by storm
How to pay for four years in a dorm?
Platinum mine spree?
Nigerian royalty?
They’ll happen sooner than economic reform
Rated R, 88 Minutes
D: Andrew Jay Cohen
W: Brendan O’Brien, Andrew Jay Cohen
Genre: Will Ferrell is in this and you need to ask genre?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: me, I suppose, which is scary cuz I didn’t
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Cops
