Hyperbole can be its own worst enemy. Take the case of hitman Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson) and his opposite number, protection specialist Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds). Forced to play nice together, Bryce points out that Kincaid has attempted to kill him 27 … no, 28 times! The additional came when Bryce’s newest client was behind door #3. [He should have stayed with the goat] Now, we the audience know this is humor. Haha! These guys really don’t get along and now they have to look after one another. But let’s examine this hyperbole a bit, shall we? When a hitman readily acknowledges 28 separate missed attempts on a would-be target, what are we to conclude? Let me rephrase – your job is to kill people. You have attempted to kill this particular person 28 separate times and failed each time. Any conclusion you’d like reach here? Maybe one involving this hitman’s job performance or skill set?
Well, what did I expect? The whole is tongue-in-cheek, right? I mean, look at the title – hitmen don’t need bodyguards; that’s the joke. And Sam Jackson the hitman … like the one he played in Pulp Fiction, maybe? He needs a bodyguard like a tiger needs safety goggles. In The Hitman’s Bodyguard, Bryce even states aloud: “[Kincaid] single-handledly ruined the word ‘motherfucker.’ “ Snicker. Right. Like John Wayne single-handedly ruined the word “pilgrim” and Henry Winkler single-handedly ruined the word, “Aaaaaaaaayyyyy.”
This is essentially Die Hard’s gift to shoot ‘em ups – we need to laugh when bad guys buy it in painful ways. The key then is to have a villain so evil that his henchmen are tainted by mere association. Vladislav Dukhovich (Gary Oldman) is a ruthless Belarusian dictator. Belarus is one of the countries you use when you want to hate Russia, but can’t say so directly. Tried for his crimes at the International Criminal Court, Dukhovich is probably going to go free unless former employee Darius Kincaid testifies against him. You see where this plot is going yes? And to add an single ounce of plausibility, the screenplay has Interpol compromised so the only help for Kincaid to reach The Hague in one piece by deadline is for disgraced ex-agent Bryce to help him out. And, of course, the two know each other well.
Nothing I’ve written makes me like this film a great deal. Hence, I have to interject that I did enjoy The Hitman’s Bodyguard. Sometimes I am just a sucker for star power, convention, and a whole Hague of over-the-top. Speaking of which, Kincaid also has an incarcerated wife, Sonia (Salma Hayek). If you’re keeping count at home, this feminine maelstrom is the fourth character in the film who cannot exist in real life. Her scenes are almost entirely irrelevant plot-wise, but you wouldn’t swap them for anything. From “love at first fight” to the Blair Witch corner treatment on her cellmate, Sonia’s moments are all gold.
While Samuel L. Jackson gets to be exactly who we want him to be in this film (i.e. the badass with a personal code for himself and no regard for anybody else), Ryan Reynolds 
has to play it a little tighter; his character has gone from riches to rags and he’s still pissed about it. Naturally, both these guys are eventually going to find middle ground because, well, this is a movie. Ryan Reynolds has gotten kind of irascible, hasn’t he? Careful, Ryan. This stuff is acceptable in your 30s and 40s while you’re still an action star. When you get on in years, well … Harrison Ford. ‘Nuff said.
It’s pretty clear that the film was cast before the plot was written, right? Somebody said, “let’s team up Jackson and Reynolds and see what we got” and greenlit that, to coin a phrase, motherfucker well before somebody else wrote a story. Either that or it wasn’t a comedy until it was cast and then it became one. Whichever way, I wouldn’t trust the formula, but it works here. Only here. Don’t do this again.
A tyrant stands trial at The Hague
But the prosecution has hit a large snag
The witness in need
Leaves a trail of bleed
As for justice, I’d call it vague
Rated R, 118 Minutes
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writer: Tom O’Connor
Genre: Hyperbole
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Samuel L. Jackson fans
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Pacifists
