Did you know tulips aren’t native to Holland? I didn’t. Classic case of cultural appropriation, if you ask me. In the 17th century, the Netherlands discovered tulips and took to them like E.T. to Reese’s Pieces. The people of Holland decorated their homes with tulips, painted their carts with tulips, sewed tulips into fabric, wore them during work, play, sex, etc. The country even built an entire financial market around the tulip trade. Is it really any more stupid than “soy futures?”
Personally, I really like the idea of remaking any stock market film – The Wolf of Wall Street, Trading Places, The Big Short, etc. – to be about tulips. “Photosynthesis, for lack of a better word, is good.”
Sophia (Alicia Vikander) trades freedom for family. It’s not that she dislikes her new rich husband Cornelis (Christoph Waltz), but almost certainly would not have married him if it didn’t get her cousins to New Amsterdam. Her sense of obligation extends further than trophy wife, however, and hence frustrates both partners when she cannot seem to get pregnant. If they’re frustrated, imagine how we the audience feel about Christoph often voicing his erection woes and referring aloud to his “little soldier.”
While I’m here in the land of the cringe-worthy, btw, there is no defeating the Dutch Renaissance for silly head and neckwear. Sometimes authenticity is its own worst enemy.
Meanwhile, the far better relationship is happening between their serving girl Maria (Holliday Grainger) and the local fishmonger (Jack O’Connell). Honestly? Even were their relationship not the superior one, I’d want to see if I could work the word “fishmonger” into the conversation. Anyhoo, feeling that the other couple has stolen focus, Cornelis commissions a painting. Enter Jan Van Loos (Dane DeHaan). You know, the name “Dane” seems wrong at this point, no? I’m going to call him “Dutch” for the rest of this review. It’s only a matter of time before Dutch decides he really digs Sophia’s tulips.
Ok, so we have another film that imagines Dutch DeHaan as a Casanova. That isn’t the weird part. It gets weird when the relationship gets physical and we get scenes like this: Naked Alicia rolls over and Dutch says “hold it” and pulls out his sketch pad. At this point, I became personally embarrassed for Tulip Fever; I have never seen a film that soooooo needed to be Titanic. Not just pay homage; this was Titanic. No movie fan over the age of 30 could possibly miss the parallel. The film may as well have started calling them “Jack” and “Rose” at this point.
I wonder now if Christoph Waltz was ever voted “most likely to be cheated on” in grade school. The guy must take a cuckold role at least twice a year. Huh. I could swear this film was about
tulips. Where did that plot go? Ah, yes, both fishmonger and Dutch play the tulip market to improve their fortunes. I want to say this is silly, but truth be told, the details of the tulip exchange (is it the “NASE” at this point?) proved the best part of the story. The tulips themselves are tended and policed by nuns and sold in promissory notes as beds. There might just be a better story there – in the very least, a tulip makes a better accent for Rose than the Heart of the Ocean gemstone, no?
Tulip Fever had some nice petals. After all, I like Christoph and Alicia and Dutch and broker superior Judi Dench, but it all got a bit too silly when Act III introduced, how shall I put this? A “Three’s Company” plotline. I think this film wanted to be full of intrigue and sex and then pulled in Tom Stoppard to add some comedy, but it mostly doesn’t work. You can’t introduce “Three’s Company” to an audience that came for botany intrigue in the 17th century; it just doesn’t bloom.
♪Come and paint on our floor
We’ve been waiting us two
Here the players are her and him and you
Frieze lustfully, too
Come and romance some more
Teach my wife something new
Get a good grip on her tulip
Frieze lustfully, too♫
Rated R, 107 Minutes
Director: Justin Chadwick
Writer: Deborah Moggach, Tom Stoppard
Genre: Love among silly hats
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who think, romance-wise, Dutch DeHaan is in the same league as Leonardo DiCaprio
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The silly hat police
♪ Parody Inspired by The “Three’s Company” theme song
