It has been seven years since the last Saw film and I haven’t missed it. I’d like to say “nobody’s missed it,” but that thought comes from the same place where I believed this country would never vote for Donald Trump. There are literally millions of Americans with terrible taste and extremely selective memories. This film is for all y’all who missed torture. Hush, my friends. Worry not. There are still awful movies to be made and jerks whom we can assume deserve the torture. I think. Truth be told, I’m not clear on that part; the Saw franchise started years ago by asking big questions about crime and punishment, but eventually fizzled into the kind of film where the attraction was some Goldberg-ian maiming device and whether or not somebody deserved to lose some digits or an arm seemed fairly immaterial. You’ll forgive me if I don’t give you a hand.
Five strangers awaken in a closed room with buckets fastened to their heads and chains linked from their necks to a far wall lined with blade-exposed table saws. When a buzzer sounds, the chains pull the individuals toward the saws like some sort of sadistic carnival game. (Was that redundant?) The loudspeaker wants a confession. You’re all here for a reason, and it ain’t jaywalking. But first, the speaker needs a “blood sacrifice.” After all, he didn’t set all this up for nothing, you know?
This, of course, made me wonder if the Jigsaw puzzle master play-tested his devices. If so, when? How? On whom? All these traps are self-constructed. You know if you don’t test these things properly, somebody could get hurt. You can’t just walk into a Home Depot and ask for the “Neck chain/Skil saw/rec room package $2,999.99,” can you? Or can you? “Darn it; he got the last one. And I have company this weekend. What am I gonna do now?”
Jigsaw is a torture world not unlike the original Willy Wonka. Just imagine blood instead of candy. Assuming you the audience buy into the idea of acceptable torture, the victims all deserve what they get; there are hideous unpunished crimes in their pasts and the game master, Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) is here to collect on behalf of society. So the scofflaws are all put in a labyrinth of pointy things while tapes direct them through the maze to their ultimate demise. The tapes are usually good for three purposes: instructions on how to survive (often with less of you than you started), a matter-of-fact scolding for bad deeds of your past, and a trigger that starts the punishment. I’m not sure why the people don’t just stay put and not play the tapes: “You know what? I’m still a captive, but at least butcher knives aren’t being dropped on my head.”
The Jigsaw world is all about being ahead of the captives. It’s either eerie or moronic in its Wonka-like anticipation. How did Jigsaw know only four people would survive the neck/rec room? How did Jigsaw know somebody would find the “play me” tape trigger? How did Jigsaw know someone would try and break the door marked “NO EXIT?” How did Jigsaw know not every victim would enter the grain elevator? How did Jigsaw know these morons would never a) block open a door b) fail to play a tape or c) simply do something unexpected. I kept thinking,
“You’re in a barn. You can see daylight. The doors are traps. Have you tried, I dunno, the walls?”
Strike one is reviving a bad franchise. Saw went from brilliant to tasteless in about three films, but there were seven in the series before this one. Strike two was a screenplay that knew the next three chapters ahead of time. Human nature is a little more diverse than 100% predictable. Strike three is a reveal that makes zero sense. After seeing the “solution” to this mystery, there is absolutely no way the timeline works. There is an embarrassment of illogic that accompanies Saw 8.
I want it stated for the record that while I found the original Saw a masterpiece of horror – shocking, innovative, controversial, and the kind of film you never stop talking about, I now wish it had never happened; there is nothing that justifies more Saw films. This franchise is tacky, exploitive and indulgent. Jigsaw probably ranks middle-of-the-hackSaw for pure entertainment, but after eight films, even if this one were legendary, it’s well beyond redundant. Saw it.
♪Seems my torture has begun
I fought Jigsaw and Jigsaw won
I fought Jigsaw and Jigsaw won
Gonna kill us one by one
I fought Jigsaw and Jigsaw won
I fought Jigsaw and Jigsaw won
I stomped a puppy and I shot a teen
I dealt straight coke to nuns
That guy knows every time I was mean
I fought Jigsaw and Jigsaw won
I fought Jigsaw and Jigsaw won♫
Rated R, 91 Minutes
Director: Michael Spierig, Peter Spierig
Writer: Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg
Genre: This, again?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Willy Wonka
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The weak of stomach, patience
♪ Parody Inspired by “I Fought the Law”
