Wouldn’t it be great if the guy who walked out on our wedding were really a hot, sensitive, loving sweetheart who didn’t let his international country music stardom go to his head? *Alas* Isn’t that always the case? I never thought I’d miss the work of Nicholas Sparks, but it turns out Southern romance can suck ass perfectly well without him thankyouverymuch.
Writer/Director/Delusionist Bethany Ashton Wolf apparently reworked her dream journal to come up with a down-home dilemma no woman will face, ever. That dilemma being: should I take back this GQ handsome, surprisingly grounded, humble-yet-awesome specimen of manhood even though some fabricated version of him did me wrong eight years ago?
As the film opens, Josie (Jessica Rothe) is about to be married. Well, that’s a mistake, woman. If you want happiness, you have to end your film with marriage; if you’re in a wedding dress during the opening credits, you’re just setting yourself up for the big hurt. It comes about five minutes later when the groom gives second-hand word he ain’t comin’. The groom gives word off-camera, of course, so that the story-telling can be equally as cheap as the bride’s new perm. Gosh, we wouldn’t want anyone to form an educated opinion about what a heel the guy was, now would we?
Years later, country music legend Liam Page (Tom Brady lookalike Alex Roe) gets the news that his best friend from high school died. This prompts him to return to his home town and become the man he should have been eight years ago. Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? He’s a father. Forever My Girl is set in small town Louisiana, hence it would be silly to assume a woman discovering she’s pregnant by the guy who left her at the altar would even consider abortion. I rate that as the most honest part of this film.
You’ve seen child prodigies before? Hah! Seven-year-old Billie (Abby Ryder Fortson) is smarter than the entire rest of the cast and crew combined. Of course, the film never says so; it just rides the precocious bandwagon for laughs, sadly lacking everywhere else. Also in the meantime, single-mother Josie buried her last remaining parent, assumed home ownership, and created a successful small business all without losing her youth, her child’s respect, or her kick-ass figure. Let me ask you, Josie, seriously, what do you want with this guy? And what’s with your brother hanging around all the time? And why does he look like Peyton Manning? [Wait. Is that why he doesn’t get along with Liam?] Isn’t he going to get a life at some point? What could well be a feminist anthem quickly devolves into the “but he’s cute” mind set. I don’t care where your values lie – the guy that abandons the scene for eight years doesn’t have familial rights … and, more importantly, you clearly don’t need him.
Most of this movie is one giant cheat. Liam shows up as the essence of penitent and the epitome of one ready to accept adult responsibility. That’s super. That’s fantastic. Here’s the thing – if we never see the “before” version, we have nothing to compare it to. Hence, there’s no growth of character or controversy of any kind. Ms. Wolf, you’re like a child magically awaiting the day life makes you a princess. The fantasy conclusion was pre-ordained; you concede the only hurtful part with a wedding-dress frown and
a fast-forward. Past the five-minute mark, there’s not a single reason given for why Liam isn’t the ideal provider of providers. Oh yeah, he’s sure a spot-on representation of men who walk out on their wives and daughters. In short, Forever My Girl took a potentially recognizable situation and mangled it beyond identification. The Louisiana Police left this case unsolved for the good of all.
We’ve been over this before: slow moving films should never contain periods of time in the title. This film felt like Forever, exacerbated by flawlessness of both hero and “villain.” Gosh, what a dilemma — a handsome country music star is in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life making up for all the assholery we never saw. You’ve pretty much nailed the zeitgeist of the Southern milieu.
It is a tale from times of old
Through countless avenues strolled
Dude skips the wedding
And ends up regretting
In sum: all that charts is not gold
Rated PG, 104 Minutes
Director: Bethany Ashton Wolf
Writer: Bethany Ashton Wolf
Genre: If only I could craft like Nicholas Sparks
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who reread their dream journals
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Realism hounds
