Comedian Dave Attell has a routine that beings, “I went to the opera once. I’m sitting at the opera and I’m thinking, ‘Look at how much work it takes to bore me.’ “ I dare anyone not to find those words of wisdom while watching the global faith-based documentary Sacred. A well-meaning visual encyclopedia of religious practice, Sacred employed forty (40!) different crews worldwide to explore ritual and faith throughout the globe. And then director Thomas Lennon pieced it all together to come up with something outrageously dull. What does it take to bore me?
Venues switch so quickly in Sacred, you might not notice you’re bored for at least the first twenty minutes. OK, we’re in Myanmar. There’s an elephant and a whole lot of color. Going to do anything with this set-up? No. Well, your 90 seconds is up, anyway. Meanwhile, in Kenya, there’s some God-shop talk. Oops, almost met somebody. Can’t have that. Now let’s see that prison in Louisiana.
I’ve said it before; I will say it again: Prayer is dullest thing there is on film. Presenting me with forty different types of prayer doesn’t actually make it less boring. I don’t care whether it’s super-sized prayer, chipotle prayer, or prayer – hint of lime. These are still the cinematic moments least likely to evolve into action of any kind.
To be fair. Sacred is not without value or charm. Fans of ritual might enjoy ESPN-like random highlights and commentary from various religions around the world. Personally, I find this film, while neatly divided into sections of Induction, Practice, and Game Over, lacks for thesis and hero. The only recurring character in 90 minutes of godtalk is Buddhist monk Ryojun Shionuma. This guy hiked up and down Mt. Omine (that’s 30 miles roundtrip, with an elevation rise of 4,000 feet) every.single.day for 1,000 consecutive days. How did he celebrate the neverending Tour-de-Flagellance? Nine days without food, water, or sleep. That will kill some people.
One particular eye opener for me was an annual Crucifixion reenactment in Pampanga, Philippines. And by “reenactment,” I mean, they’re not kidding. A Jesus wannabe actually bears a Crucifixion-sized cross through the town square while being shoved about by “Romans.” The climax includes a Christ-like hanging and
real live nails through our Jesus’ hands. I’m not sure that’s historically accurate, but I’m not about to quibble with the dedication involved. The biggest problem with Crucifixion, aside from death of course, is lockjaw. You can’t just nail a guy to a cross without any concern for tetanus.
Ah, but the master indulgence of this look at religion around the world is in Kawasaki, Japan, which hosts the Shinto-based Kanamara Matsuri (“Festival of the Steel Phallus”). No, I suppose I can’t honestly call dull or boring a religious shrine that resembles single-minded sex toy shop. And yet, I conclude that if this is the highlight of your world religious tour, I’m not sure you’re getting the best message across to the viewer.
Religiosity has been around so long
From Alabama to old Hong Kong
If I had to sum up
All this God glup
I’m not sure it’s within a steel dong
Not Rated, 87 Minutes
Director: Thomas Lennon
Writer: God and gods
Genre: The dogma potpourri
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Theologians
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The easily bored
