For me, parenting is a constant reexamination of the question: “How do you know?” At first, the answers are easy. “How do I know putting that in your mouth is a no-no?” “How do I know pulling the cat’s tail is not a good idea?” “How do I know jumping up and down on a mirror in the bathtub is not the smartest of moves?” Most adults can come to these conclusions without even having first-hand experience. As your child grows, however, that question is not so easily answered. “How do I know this is not the right college for you?” “How do I know your summer abroad will leave you miserable?” “How do I know prospective employers won’t like this résumé?” Truth is, I don’t. Which is pretty much how I parent at this time in my life. I can tell you what I know – it may or may not be applicable and it may it may not have the same results. Do I really know having a particular sexual experience will necessarily be a bad thing and lead to a lifetime of regret? I do not.
There are, however, many sage parents who do know exactly when and how their quasi-adult children should and shouldn’t be having sexual experiences and for them, Hollywood has tailored the ultimate helicopter parenting comedy, (Cock) Blockers.
Ambitious teens Julie (Kathryn Newton), Kayla (Geraldine Viswanathan), and Sam (Gideon Adlon) all make a pact to lose their virginity on prom night. This pact is conveniently illustrated in text form for their parents’ convenience. Honestly? There are a LOT of exaggerations in Blockers, but by far the largest is the complete lack of security a teen girl would assign to her private conversations. What coed would leave her abandoned laptop open, public, and noisy as if begging for her parents to investigate? No matter. Parents Lisa (Leslie Mann) and Mitchell (John Cena) are texting illiterates, hence the eggplant emoji sails right over their heads. “Luckily,” parent Hunter (Ike Barinholtz) is that guy who knows sexting alittletoowell, hmmmm. Before long, the trio have correctly interpreted their respective daughters’ intentions to have postprom sex. What are these parents gonna do about it? They’re gonna stop it! Of course they are.
Blockers is a deliberate attempt to cull a certain crowd from among an average set of movie patrons based on repulsion alone. If you sneak onto the property of one of the teens, peek in the window to get an idea of what’s going on, and (instead of high schoolers) find Gary Cole and Gina Gershon having sex, what’s the next move? You don’t stay and watch until there’s firm eye contact, as between John Cena and Gary Cole, do you?
How about “Butt Chugging?” I had no idea what this was, other than exactly what it sounds like. Butt Chugging -a.k.a. alcohol enema- is apparently both real and fairly dangerous. What are your general thoughts on cramming an innertube up your rectum and consuming a beer poured through it as quickly as possible? Ah, yes, there’s the audience we’re looking for.
I’m not going to kid myself, there were some hilarious, if grotesquely puerile, moments in this film, like when Lisa
answers the call of “WWVDD?” (“What would Vin Diesel do?”) and when the trio is forced to break back into the Cole/Gershon household only to find the two playing blindfold naked sex tag. I also dug the running gag of Kayla’s beau being less Romeo and more the Wolfgang Puck of dope fiends.
Uneven is the best way to describe Blockers. I don’t like the plot one little bit: geez, people, do you trust your -of age- children or not? Is it even possible to stop a determined teen from doing something self-destructive? And is this the best way to get what you want? Yet, there is uplifting resolution to the helicopter parenting in each of these scenarios. I won’t say the humor is hit-and-miss; the movie plays more like a chase/undercover cop film interrupted periodically with something outrageous and sexual in nature. It doesn’t quite respect the parents enough to shield them from their bad decisions, yet it doesn’t quite respect the audience enough to punish the teens for making bad decisions on their own. In other words, I have no doubt this film will come off as hilarious to some folks, but I have no idea who those folks might be.
Often I’ll have just a glass
If offered, it’s so hard to pass
But when it comes to consumption
Don’t err in assumption
Just say, “No” to beer up the ass
Rated R, 102 Minutes
Director: Kay Cannon
Writer: Brian Kehoe, Jim Kehoe
Genre: Generational warfare
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who would get a kick out of “Butt Chugging”
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: You read the above and you still have to ask?
