You can’t really have it all, can you? I watch a film like Molly’s Game and I like to pretend that there are people out there who can calculate π to 1,000 places and rock a swimsuit calendar at the same time. But these people don’t exist in reality, do they? I mean, the real life Molly may well have been Olympic-level athlete and genius-level sharp, but was she really Hollywood-level beautiful, too? That’s just not fair.
Well, guess what? At least one person was –in real life- everything. And judging by her five husbands, Hedy Lamarr probably wasn’t terribly happy about it. Huh. I guess you can’t have it all.
Hedwig Eva Maria Kiesler was born to the Austria-Hungarian Empire in 1914. The Empire struck out in 1918, but Hedy hung around what was left until Hitler condemned her porno. What? You don’t know about that? Well, it’s not my story, but Hedwig easily overcame her hideous name by puberty. By the time she was sixteen, apparently all she had to do was say, “I want to be on film” and the Austrian hornenhunds would come a galloping with their tripods extended. In 1933, Hedy appeared nude in Ekstasy; such was revolutionary at the time, but considered pornography by certain conservative types and condemned by Hitler himself; that’s a coup, huh? I would love that distinction. How many people/places/things do you suppose were condemned by Hitler yet managed to outlive him unscathed?
In 1937, Hedwig escaped Austria, and found Louis B. Mayer (the “Mayer” of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer) in London. In what might be the very last instance of such occurring, the Producer asked to sign her only if she “keeps her clothes on.” For me, the glory of Hedy Lamarr is not in her genius-level inventions. –I will get to that- or her Hollywood looks. It’s the fact that Louis Mayer offered her $125 a week to make films and without a job, prospects, or even a homeland, Hedy turned him down. Then she found the cruise ship he was on and paraded herself about until he quadrupled the offer. Ah, men.
A documentary about actor Tab Hunter came out a few years ago. The quintessential “where are they now?” talent, Tab is good comparison to Hedy in the vein of extremely-attractive/popular-at-the-time/limited-legacy actor. In her career, Hedy Lamarr made 35 films over three decades and if you could name even one of them before
seeing Bombshell: The Hedy Lamarr Story, you are a better man than I. For a classic glamourpuss icon, Hedy’s most notable screen contributions top out around 6.8 on imdb. That’s Cars 3 and King Arthur: Legend of the Sword territory. You want to be remembered in Hollywood forever? Don’t top out at Cars 3.
Ahhh, but Hedy’s contributions extend far beyond celluloid. Do you own a modern cell phone? Then you are employing a Hedy Lamarr invention. No, I’m not kidding. The kid was a natural scientist and brilliant inventor. In WWII, Hedy Lamarr came up with a synchronized pattern frequency alteration process to keep submarines in unique and constant communication with their torpedoes. The same technology (in essence) is used today in satellites. If you’ve ever used a GPS correctly, thank Hedy Lamarr. Shame that silver screen thing didn’t work out; if only you were better looking.
This is simply one of life’s fascinating biographies and I’m glad it’s getting play. People should know Hedy Lamarr, but as much for the Bombshell as what’s in a bombshell. Here’s another Universal victory for that dastardly villain, feminism.
In Austria, she was deutsch markable
Yet soon found overseas embarkable
Hedy’s Hollywood looks
Are one for the books
But her Einsteinian smarts? Lamarr-kable
Not Rated, 88 Minutes
Director: Alexandra Dean
Writer: Alexandra Dean
Genre: Having it all
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Hedy Lamarr
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Fascists
