Like an aging dunce at an elementary school, the Winter Olympics returned once again this past February. The spectacle in white gave NBC carte blanche to assume that if my television was not replete with figure skating coverage, figure skating interviews, or figure skating fashion tips, life was not worth living. Were there other sports in PyeongChang, South Korea? I may never know. But I did see a lot of figure skating.
So, let me ask this – which is the more difficult athletic maneuver: one skater doing a triple toe loop by herself or two skaters doing synchronized triple toe loops side-by-side? The answer seems pretty obvious to me and underscores the pure stupidity of the Pacific Rim franchise. It’s bad enough that your film is essentially a Transformers rip-off … but why oh why oh why would any sane engineer design a fighting robot that requires synchronization of two human minds/bodies to operate? This is among the stupidest things I have ever heard of. Don’t get me wrong – military coordination can be a wonderful thing. Have you ever seen the Blue Angels? Suppose their Hornets wouldn’t fly at all unless five minds were exactly synched to one another? Do you want the scenario in which every plane nosedives into the Pacific because Flight Ranger Rick suddenly remembered what he had for lunch this afternoon? I exaggerate, but you get my point, no?
Pacific Rim: Uprising correctly reasoned that no part of the franchise popularity had anything to do with the cast. Successfully and seamlessly abandoning original stars Charlie Hunnam and Idris Elba, Uprising employed instead the talents of John Boyega and Scott Eastwood knowing the audience wouldn’t care. Now, if only they’d reasoned that no part of the franchise popularity had anything to do with the plot, either. Last time around, big dumb monsters came from the ocean to mess with the metropolii of the Pacific Rim. Humans proved up to the task, meeting them head on with big dumb robots. In between films, the producers looked around and decided to change things up: bigger, dumber monsters v. bigger, dumber robots. I’m not sure this particular world deserves to survive.
The worst part about Pacific Rim: Uprising is it actually started well: Thanks to the fallout from past bot/monster battles, Southern California has turned into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Gotta say, the swimming pools look fantastic after being ignored for a generation, but whatever. The old Jaeger burial ground is a prime target for scavengers and Jake Pentecost (Boyega) is just about to score big when he discovers his quarry has been pre-thieved by teenage robotics expert Amara Namani (Cailee Spaeny). Turns out Amara has managed to build her own Jaeger from scratch to deal with a bully problem or whatever. Yes, no one is going to ask how this mini Jaegermeister has managed to construct, unmolested, a forty-foot tall robot by herself in a Mad Max-type wasteland. No matter. The authorities know now. Hey, guess what? Amara made her Jaeger single-person operable! Holy crap! My single biggest complaint about the plot solved by a fourteen year old … and then there’s a David/Goliath chase between her “giant” robot and a police-issue walking skyscraper. This is kind of fun.
I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Very next scene, we’re back in a military hanger with Boyega replacing Elba, Eastwood replacing Hunnam, and the ragtag military v. sea monster plot replaced by exactly nothing.
OK, here’s one of the finer points I didn’t understand about Pacific Rim: Uprising – in this film, we discover the monsters aren’t actually out to destroy Tokyo. (Where does that comes from, then, force of habit? In giant Monsters University, does the Destruction major begin with Tokyo 101? “I’m sorry, son, you did fine in your Osaka and Seattle classes, but without Tokyo, well, you just weren’t cut out to be a Destructor. Have you thought about Communications?”) Anyway, turns out these guys are headed to 
Mount Fuji because it’s an active volcano and volcanic magma super-reacts with Kaiju blood creating Bedtime for Homo erectus.
Sir? Sir? Yes, me in the back. Ummm, I have several questions. Why Mount Fuji? Are there no other active volcanoes in the Pacific? Wikipedia tells me there are seven in the ocean alone, not to mention a half dozen land volcanoes not surrounded by mega-cities. You might remember Mount St. Helens, yes? It blew up not so long ago, in fact. Then, of course, there’s the logistics question – the Kaiju come from underneath the Earth’s crust. Magma, too, comes from underneath the Earth’s crust. Ummm, why bother taking the longer and human-infested route?
I have more questions on the myriad plotholes suggested, but they are wasted on this film and its audience. Big dumb robots. Big dumb monsters. A cliché in every speech; an eyeroll in every overwritten, overdirected, overacted moment. Have at it, boys. If any of this makes sense to you, save it; I’m not your audience and I never will be.
You might think my actions quite brash
Without a partner decisions seem rash
A review on the brink
Alone, out-of-sync
I don’t need a second to question this trash
Rated PG-13, 111 Minutes
Director: Steven S. DeKnight
Writer: Steven S. DeKnight & Emily Carmichael & Kira Snyder and T.S. Nowlin
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Transformers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Thinkers
