I’m now wondering when the Dig Dug movie comes out. Or better yet, Burger Time: Caught in a Pickle. No, wait, I have it: Asteroids, the first 3D film deliberately made to look 2D. With all the focus on 80s kitsch, it seems just a matter of time before every last crappy idea Señor Atari ever had comes to a theater near me. The latest, Rampage, turned a 1986 arcade also-ran about genetically transformed monsters destroying a city into an ecological thriller starring Dwayne Johnson. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of city destroyed … eventually; you simply wouldn’t believe how much plot you have to fabricate when you don’t go the Pacific Rim route.
Rock “The Dwayne” Johnson is primatologist Davis Okoye. But he’s so much more; this gorilla whisperer has such a unique bond with the animals, he comes across as the secret love child of Hulk Hogan and Dian Fossey. It used to be that if you called Dwayne Johnson “The Gorilla Whisperer,” it just meant the Rock had laryngitis. Here, he is friend, confidant, and communicator to all gorilla kind, which is good because the large albino gorilla, George, has a seriously messed up sense of humor.
As an aside, I’m not a zoologist, primatologist, or ecologist, but I gotta believe that if a species can fully comprehend the question, “Do you want to be put in an enclosure?” you kinda have to roll with whatever they answer.
Some sort of genetic pathogen is released from a destroyed space station. Scattered to three different spots across the United States, the pathogen container burst open upon impact and the gaseous material released mutated exactly one creature and then, it would seem, consumed itself. Gosh, that’s darn convenient. Turns out one victim is George the albino gorilla, who, overnight, gains a meter in height and 500 pounds. “Hey, you guys, does this enclosure make me look fat? Be honest.” The pathogen also makes George a little crazy and angry enough to go on a Rampage! Hence, we have a lot of scenes of Davis talking directly to George. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, one’s a genetically-altered freak of nature and the other is an albino gorilla.
George, of course, keeps growing and raging, along with two genetic pals – a 50-foot tall flying timberwolf, and a
swamp alligator that now more closely resembles and ankylosaurus the size of a manufacturing plant. Now I’m not quite sure why humans aren’t just combating these guys with big, stupid robots like in the last eight films, but they aren’t. Luckily for us, Davis not only speaks gorilla, but guerilla as well. Can he solve our problems before the trio destroy Chicago? And will the literal scenery eating conflict with the scenery chewing from evil geneticorp baddie Malin Akerman, her toadie Jake Lacy (a.k.a. “Pee Farter”), or military “whose side am I on?” guy Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
Naturally – boy, there’s a funny word to use to describe this CGI-laden abomination—I have every reason to hate this film. I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong; I sure didn’t love it, but I did care enough about the adventures of Rock and acquired partner Naomie Harris to stay awake start to finish. There are certainly better films out there and I encourage you to see them, yet, as the big, dumb monster genre that so plagues modern movie screens goes, this film is leaps above your average Transformers or Pacific Rim.
♪George, George, George and the bungle
See that ape break free
(Ahhhhhhhhh)
Watch out big city
Got a whiff of a mist
Now he’s angry and pissed
And The Rock can’t connect
You get the gist
So away, there he go
With two brutes, doncha know
Stomping through to destroy
Chicago
George, George, George and his one goal
Wreck Windy City
(Ahhhhhhhhh)
Show him TLC♫
Rated PG-13, 107 Minutes
Director: Brad Peyton
Writer: Ryan Engle and Carlton Cuse & Ryan J. Condal and Adam Sztykiel
Genre: Big stupid robots, Rock edition
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Navy seals with zoology degrees
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Genetic scientists
♪ Parody Inspired by “George of the Jungle Theme Song”
