My guess is God was bored. In need of a savior to free the tribe of Dan in 1170 B.C., God pulled out the old rolodex and eschewed the smart, the clever, the virtuous, the moral pillars, the natural leaders, and went straight for the he-man. Even by classic standards, Samson is less a Charlton Heston and more a Lou Ferrigno. God’s up there sayin’, “Yeah, sure, let’s see Captain Rejoinder here set the slaves free; that will be a hoot.”
Samson (Taylor James) lived solidly in-between Moses and Jesus, which is probably why he doesn’t get much play for setting slaves free. Well, that and few other reasons, one being Samson is about as bright as your cell phone at 2% and the other being this was one of those times in history where, apparently, slaves didn’t do much; it would seem their entirely absent masters ordered them to sit around and make themselves comfortable. Slave labor is, like, so last century.
After pulling some petty thievery, this B-grade Hercules becomes a marked man in the eyes of Rallah (Jackson Rathbone, no stranger to miserable film having appeared in all five Twilights). So, to lie low, the legendary strongman enters bare knuckle boxing matches like as seen in Every Which Way but Loose. Clyde here almost gets knocked silly because he’s busy with the foreplay (i.e. staring) at would-be Mrs. Clyde, Taren. When they meet for the 30 seconds of romance/marriage, Taren tells him that slave status is all in your head. Slave is only a state of mind. Yeah, go tell that to black people in 1830s Alabama.
Oh, I love this part – saddled with a gambling debt, Samson wanders off and then kills thirty dudes to make good … this is technically the first day of his homeymoon, btw. Sammy, you want to check those priorities, pal? If you ever wonder where Christians get off imagining that morality begins and ends with Jesus Christ, I’m guessing it comes from Old Testament tales like this one. Samson murdered thirty Philistine soldiers to pay a gambling debt. Oh, it’s ok. They’re Philistines. That makes it all better.
Of course, we haven’t gotten to the film’s golden moment when the giant ass picks up the jawbone of a giant ass and literally slays 1,000 Philistine soldiers. I sat slacked-jawboned gaping at this thing as exactly one thought paraded through my head, “Fellas, have you tried using the pointy end of those things you carry? You might get better results.” I love the “Dogpile on Samson!” moment. Slammin’ Sammy just does his thing, “God … little help?” Whammo! We’re good to go again. Now where’d I put that jawbone?
Roughly the dimensions of an upright refrigerator freezer, with all the acting skills to match, Taylor James makes Jason Momoa look like Sir Laurence Olivier. After the initial round of body casting, I Delilah-t in films like these cuz they attract actors who once had 
careers: Rutger, Hauer ya doin’? Not hitchin’ too many rides these days, I see. And Billy Zane! Billy, wow, your career took a Titanic plunge. I haven’t seen you since … since … well, I tell you what, you just shout out any film you’ve made since Titanic and I’ll tell you if I’ve seen it.
I don’t know why this film was made. I really don’t. It’s not terribly moral; the pious God way is rooted in very outdated notions like not getting a haircut and not touching the dead. It predates Christ by over 1,000 years which makes it much harder to rev the Christian engines. The source material is the part of The Bible where murder and slavery were as common as the word “begat,” and most importantly, the film sucked. Congratulations, folks, I didn’t think anybody could make Noah look like a winner. Yet by comparison, you have achieved an Old Fashioned Old Testament miracle. Praise the Lord.
“Philistines have made us weep
They treat us just like sheep
Our pain is acres deep”
“I can lift that rock,” says Samson
“You’re my siggi other
With love I will not smother
Let’s kiss like I’m your mother
“I can lift that rock,” says Samson
“The secret to strength you bear
Is locked within your hair.
I’ll cut it without care”
“I can lift that rock,” says Samson
Rated PG-13, 110 Minutes
Director: Bruce Macdonald, Gabriel Sabloff
Writer: Jason Baumgardner, Galen Gilbert, Timothy Ratajczak, Zach Smith
Genre: Big man hit things
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Suckers for the Old Testament
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The original authors of the Old Testament
