I’ve seen dozens of depictions of Sherlock Holmes over the decades, and the vast majority fall into one of two categories: 1) Self-absorbed genius public servant and 2) Insufferable, dismissive, know-it-all prick. And why should the animated gnome version of Sherlock Holmes be any different? It isn’t. We’re back to prick territory. To picture it, I think you take the Benedict Cumberbatch version, lose any trace –even ironic- of wit, insight, or appeal, then animate, and Voila!
The film opens with Sherlock Gnomes (voice of Johnny Depp) destroying the London Museum of Natural History. Sherlock’s game show nemesis, Moriarty (Jamie Demetriou), is at it again. Moriarty vows on the spot to capture and destroy all the garden gnomes in England. Hold up. That’s his thing? He wants to get rid of all the tacky garden gnomes … and he’s the bad guy?! Are you sure? In foiling Moriarty at the museum, Schlock and Watson (Chiwetel Ejiofor) lay waste to two full hanging dinosaur skeletons. Ask me which I would rather have – intact fossilized remains of one extinct creature that lived millions of years ago or an entire warehouse full to the brim with garden gnomes? Go ahead, ask.
So it would seem one has to have an affinity for these yard sale rejects just to advance to the main plot. And I haven’t yet introduced the centerpiece of tacky, perhaps because I can’t decide which it is: the perpetually crapping gnome or something that simply goes by the name of his outfit, Mankini. Mankini has at least a dozen lines in this film, btw. Whenever you imagine self-deluded, unapproachable star actors, try to remember there was almost certainly a line around the block to voice an animated gnome named specifically for his fashion faux pas.
Ah yes, I’ve forgotten. Sherlock Gnomes is actually a sequel to the underwhelming Gnomeo & Juliet. Wherefore art thou in this film? Because they’re to be stolen next, of course … or they would have been had Gnomeo (James McAvoy) not been engaged in a little b&e at the time. Having lasted far longer than the original Shakespearian pair, this Romeo and Juliet (Emily Blunt) have gotten a bit insecure about their relationship, which Gnomeo combats by stealing stuff for her. We oft forget that the Shakespeare play represents the perfection of pure love 
precisely because they both die young and never have to deal with level 2 relationship status – well, that and the fact that they aren’t tacky garden decorations.
Bottom line is by the time Sherlock and Watson arrive, only Gnomeo and Juliet remain among a kitsch of gnomes. Oh no! Someone has stolen Mankini; can our four heroes find him and, maybe, make one decent joke before it’s too late?
Sherlock Gnomes adds nothing to the legends of either Arthur Conan Doyle or Shakespeare. Contrast this with, say, Lego Batman, which gave delightful new insight into the fictional hero. While Sherlock Gnomes didn’t exactly cap my deerstalker and the film abused both a frog and a pair of gargoyles with mild character assassination, it was sweet, well-meaning, and should appeal to the five-year-old into butt jokes. I wouldn’t choose this film to babysit my own Teletubby, but there are several worse.
♪I’m sitting at my cine station
Got a ticket for this degradation
On a tour of movie screens, no Brandos nor David Leans
And every venue full of teens, yet one remains, the great demeans
Gnomeward bound
I wish I weren’t
Gnomeward bound
Gnomes, kitsch the size of Texas
Gnomes, why are there two sexes?
Gnomes, where my gag reflex is
Silently rising♫
Rated PG, 86 Minutes
Director: John Stevenson
Writer: Ben Zazove
Genre: When baubles attack
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Those not yet tired of gnome puns
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “I didn’t even like the mankini on Borat”
♪ Parody Inspired by “Homeward Bound”
