Cupping a dog’s balls … I just wanted to put that out there right now so you know what this movie and this review is about. I suppose every film wants to make a statement, stand out, be memorable. Hence, Show Dogs wanted to be the one you’ll scratch your head about years from now while wondering aloud, “What was that film in which they cupped canine genitals about 17 times? And even made a plot point out of it?” The answer is Show Dogs. S-H-O-W D-O-G-S, directed by Raja Gosnell, written by Max Botkin and Marc Hyman – Dunno for sure, but if I had to guess the ‘cupped balls’ author, I‘d put money on the guy named “Hyman” — and starring Will Arnett, Natasha Lyonne, and several actors earning paychecks by voicing animals. I’ll stop there; the full list of cast and crew for this picture is currently being etched on a plate reading, “Welcome to Hell.”
Police Rottweiler Max (voice of Ludacris) works the docks. Ah, I see this is a land where police dogs have shifts and beats … by themselves. OK. And then Max “goes rogue” to take down a bad guy. A rogue police dog … well that’s a new one. I want to know the city would show tolerance for a rogue police dog – “Yeah, that guy is on the force; we just unleash him and let him fight crime by himself; no, he doesn’t follow the rules, but he’s a good cop.” While attempting to take down a drug ring/smuggling ring/red her-ring, Max entangles with Frank (Arnett), the kind of incompetent FBI agent only found in the movies or Donald Trump’s imagination. Back at HQ, Max and Frank battle over jurisdiction, the bottom line being … you guessed it … partners!
Actually, it was a panda ring. A baby giant panda has been stolen which leads us to a dog show in Las Vegas — you see how those things match, right? I mean, the natural camouflage is obvious; in a convention full of dog experts, how could anyone possibly tell a baby giant panda from a purebred Chihuahua? Anyway, the movie makes a big deal about getting the panda safely back to its loving mother … ummmm, here’s the thing: about half of giant panda pregnancies involve twins. If twin pandas are born, however, the mother can’t nurse both of them, so she will select the stronger of the two and the other will die. I’m not making this up. Go wiki pandas for yourself. Bottom line? Not only is this plot pandering to cheap emotion, it’s possible that if you want the baby panda to continue living, the best place for it is anywhere except for its mother, dig?
So the very next scene, Max and Frank are undercover at a Las Vegas dog show. Max is entered in the “working dogs,” while this film is simultaneously entered in the “pathetic dogs” category. Now all Max and Frank need to do is solve the jewelry drug baseball card panda smuggling conspiracy while also winning Best in Show. Wait. That’s a different, much better, movie. Oh, and don’t tell the immodest Max this is easy, cuz it ain’t! This is one of those films that wants Max and us to take pageantry seriously, and yet seems to think that all owner and dog need are one half-assed afternoon of work to get the mechanics of show doggery down flat.
Tell you what … do you think it’s funny when a dog fights for control of the car radio? How about when a working dog hasn’t a hint of modesty? Is that funny? And, we’ve worked our way up to this one again – how funny do you find it when a dog’s balls are cupped? Hilarious, right? Well, enjoy that, because it keeps happening again and again.
In the very least, I would hope that a film like this had decent animal wrangling, but –man- Show Dogs sucked in so many ways, why should animal acting be the exception? This film 
had worse animal wrangling than your average episode of “Scooby Doo.” That’s right, put a dog on camera; don’t make him do anything or behave in any particular fashion; it will all be handled in the dialogue overdubbing. The audience can figure out what we mean even if the dog isn’t conveying it.
Show Dogs, not to be confused with Snow Dogs, a moronic film of a completely independent nature, is not an evil film; I can’t say that it intended to spread anything but painless, thoughtless idiocy. I’m sure show doggery is difficult and I’m sure it does involve a great deal of cuppery. But unless you’re five-years-old, you will, at some point, ask yourself, “Why am I watching this?” Then, of course, you’ll remember – your kids are too young for Superbad. One day they won’t be. Keep your mind in that happy place and stay strong.
Turner & Hooch were supposed to make me smile
Was the fun hidden ‘neath a dog pile?
No ifs, ands, or butts
If you’re that into mutts
Give another go at that Isle
Rated PG, 92 Minutes
Director: Raja Gosnell
Writer: Max Botkin, Marc Hyman
Genre: Please tell me you’re watching with a child
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dog lovers … and those without a great deal of integrity or self-awareness at that
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Will Arnett’s agent
