Look, if reading Playboy can make you a better person, I’m all for it. I’m skeptical, but I’m all for it. Yay, Playboy. I say this because the titular Book Club indulges in the female equivalent, Fifty Shades of Grey. Wait. Hold up a sec. That’s not fair; Playboy has much better writing. I want to get on top of this because while I think Fifty Shades of Grey is a terrible book and has inspired three godawful films, I think condemning a population for reading it is wrong … even if it does inspire more bad films like the one I’m describing today.
Four friends have had a Book Club for decades. They used to read good stuff, now they’re clearly scraping the bottom of the donation barrel. Posh hotel owner and the most oversexed among them, Vivian (Jane Fonda) brings home Fifty Shades of Grey; this is the part where friendships go to die. Surprisingly, these friendships prove strong enough to endure this shady requirement owing to a healthy curiosity, a propensity for immaturity, and the fact that it’s in the screenplay.
All four of these post-menopausal women have sexual issues and treat them with roughly the same amount of maturity as a 12-year-old boy in a locker room. I know you think I’m kidding, but I swear this screenplay was a collaboration of an E.L. James fan and kid in junior high experimenting with sexual innuendo. Ex. “I want to stimulate my mind.” “Oh, I think you’ll find this very stimulating (grabs genitals)…” If this were four boys in a locker room rather than four grandmothers, you’d find it objectionable and so would I; I’m merely applying the same standard.
However, this isn’t four boys in a locker room, and they all have adult lives of a sort:
- Hotel-owning Vivian is single and has sex often, but only with men she doesn’t like. That’s kinda sad, huh? We’d probably mistake her for a cathouse madam were we not told her calling. At this point, old flame Don Johnson shows up to remind both Vivian and the audience that he’s Don Johnson.
- Divorced federal judge Sharon (Candice Bergen) reluctantly joins a singles club so she can meet fellas like Richard Dreyfus and Wallace Shawn. I swear Murphy Brown here is a judge only so we can get a look at her horrified reactions when a dating app
sitcom breaks out in chambers. That’s cheap stuff; the moments with Dreyfus, Shawn, and her ex- (Ed Begley, Jr.) are better. - Carol (Mary Steenburgen) is still married to Mr. Incredible (Craig T. Nelson). Unfortunately, since retirement, Mr. Incredible has become the Invisible Man in the bedroom. A frustrated Carol goes so far as to spiking his beer with Viagra, all for the moment in which they’re pulled over by a lady cop. Have you seen the trailer? This scene was better edited in the trailer, sad to say.
- And then Diane, ahhh Diane. Widowed grammy Diane (Diane Keaton … spent all day coming up with that name, huh fellas?) is being treated by her daughters like she belongs in a home. When the daughters move to Arizona, they insist she come live in the basement, which is something you should have had a conversation about long before moving happened. Lucky for her, handsome single gent Mitchell (Andy Garcia) is there to sooth the plane ride. Diane “accidentally” grabs his crotch while being pteromerhanophobic (yes, I looked it up).
Now I was all ready to question: None of you thought this was a terrible book? None of you, really? Well, you can see from the descriptions above that literary tastes are the last of this film’s problems.
Here’s the thing – these are still four lovely, engaging, and talented actresses, just with a locker room script. I genuinely felt their pain even when cradled in dialogue about waxing one’s chassis. I would never, ever recommend this film, but it was about 70%-75% watchable. While I’m sure that it will merit several dozen bottom-ten lists at the end of 2018, Book Club won’t make mine. But I swear to you – if I even see a hint of Book Club 2, you’ll all pay.
After trials and innuendo
These women still need you to know
Through a lifetime of sprinkles
And two yards of wrinkles
Nana is still good to go
Rated PG-13, 104 Minutes
Director: Bill Holderman
Writer: Bill Holderman, Erin Simms
Genre: Fifty Greys of Shade
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Your sex-addled grandmother
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone uncomfortable with the thought of old people touching themselves
