Somebody’s been watching John Wick a bunch, huh? The Wick-ed idea of a combination safe house/hospital/luxury hotel for criminals in need is now a motion picture in its own right. I’d say “major” motion picture, but that clearly hasn’t applied to a Jodie Foster film since Panic Room. Geez, I grew up with Jodie; the fact that she’s now too old to play the mother of a minor child? Ouch. I digress. Jodie is, however, not too old to play doctor mom to the slimiest of El Lay’s future underworld – which, admittedly, is a Freaky Friday twist I never saw coming.
How surprised are you at a future where El Lay is constantly rioting? I’ll just leave that out there as it is the premise of our year 2028 dystopia. Bank robberies are still a thing a decade from now. Huh. Go figure. And when Honolulu (Brian Tyree Henry) and Waikiki (Sterling K. Brown) get shot up in the attempt, they need an out. Well, gosh, how convenient is it that the alley next to the bank conceals the Hotel Artemis, an exclusive inn for wayfaring delinquents in need of medical attention. You scoff, but, huh, there probably is a Hotel Artemis somewhere; John Wick can’t have been the first time somebody considered a criminal safe haven.
The proprietor, judge, jury, and chief anesthesiologist is The Nurse (Foster). There are no real names here; the guests are named after the rooms they are assigned to, which might get confusing in time of turmoil. Guests aren’t intended to stay at the Hotel any longer than it will take them to beat the heat or become ambulatory. In other words, you might have several “Honolulu”s over the course of one afternoon – or so I imagine—oh, and the service is completely subscription only. Bend the rules and you get to wrestle with Everest (Dave Bautista).
I like the premise here better than the execution. Hotel Artemis suffers a great deal from a lack of likable characters. Maybe you can’t expect much from a criminal haven during a major riot, but I was put off by several of the players – Crosby (Zachary Quinto) required a
good face-punching every time he spoke. Acapulco (Charlie Day) required several face-punchings every time he spoke. In a mere two films, Charlie Day has effectively gone from amusing to annoying. Nice (Sofia Boutella) was primed and ready for these punchings and failed to deliver. Niagara (Jeff Goldblum) turns from disgusting to endearing and back to disgusting. And Jodie Foster herself comes off as both sage and doddering, well which is it, Clarice Starling, are you an old fool or is there a method to your sadness?
Excusing the callous nature of the players, I suppose the story sputters above ground – it’s simply a day in the life of an evil Club Med. I doubt Hotel Artemis will build any careers or be remembered past this week. If Hotel Artemis gets lucky, Netflix will make it a feature film six months from now. However, it strikes me as one of those films where a random movie fan sees the poster, gets mildly excited, flips the switch and five minutes later admits, “Oh yeah, I’ve seen this.” Oh yeah, you probably have.
♪In a dark desert alley
Cops up in my grill
Warm smell of AB neg
From a fresh po-po kill
From the cell in my pocket I flipped a shimmering light
I opened up the app and called for help to this place of respite
There she stood in the hallway
A face I knew quite well
And I was I asking her out loud,
“What was it like in Doc Lecter’s cell?”
Then she took out a needle and gave relief from the pain
There were bad guys in adjoining rooms
I heard their refrain:
Welcome to the Hotel Criminalia
Such a thuggy place
Behavior we embrace
There’s never a room at the Hotel Criminalia
We’re all booked, you see, during this crime spree♫
Rated R, 93 Minutes
Director: Drew Pearce
Writer: Drew Pearce
Genre: Taking a plot point too far
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Daydreaming criminals
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Law enforcement
♪ Parody Inspired by “Hotel California”
