Did we run out of things to say about Jesus? Are we so desperate to give Christianity more attention that we’re now dealing with The Jes-ettes? This, to me, is like being so fond of Indiana Jones that you’re willing to produce offerings like The Marcus Brody Story and Sallah! (believe it or not, I wrote that before I wrote this review) Paul, Apostle of Christ is not The Star, nor The Young Messiah, and certainly not The Greatest Story Ever Told. Now that we’ve told the greatest story, here’s another reminder that Christianity will have its say, often, whether we need it or not.
We pick up the action with Apostle Paul (James Faulkner) in jail and condemned to death. Oh, sweet! This is like a jailbreak story, right? Kind of a first century A.D. Shawshank Redemption or Count of Monte Christo, right? What’s that? Paul never leaves Roman custody in this movie? What? But … but … but why? And why did the set designer see fit to make jails a toddler could have crawled out of? Oooo, but so roomy and comfortable, like a Days Inn. And Paul has the place to himself. I’m thinkin’ Roman incarceration – if you can just avoid being lion food, it’s not such a bad thing.
Pretty soon, Luke (Jim Caviezel) shows up. That’s Luke as in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Despite being a new testament author, this has to be a huge step down for former Jesus, Jim Caviezel. I mean, now you’re a doctor, fantastic. As Jesus, you just had to touch ‘em and accomplish the same results, only better. Paul ain’t goin’ anywhere, so Luke has come to take some dictation. Oh, crap, is this writer’s block film? Have I gone from a potential 64 A.D. Shawshank to a 64 A.D. Barton Fink? That would be a severe bummer.
The film gives us snippets of young Paul (nee: Saul of Tarsus), a man who used to slaughter the followers of Christ wholesale. Holy crap! Why aren’t we watching that film?! Somewhere in there, Saul went blind, found the light, became a Jesus homie, and stymied ancient mailmen with his quixotic name change. Clearly, I haven’t yet had my awakening, but it will be obvious when I do as this venue will change to the Pteel Frog Blog. I am so baffled as to why this material was skimmed; I’m actually a bit angry. There is a zero percent chance the full story of Saul the murdering Roman Christian-hater could be worse than old Paul in jail. Zero percent.
Lacking for more than a generic bad guy, the movie decided about half-way through that prison prefect Mauritius (Olivier Martinez) would make a good foil. He’s no Yul Brynner, but the film enjoys pretending this tool of Rome is worthy of enlightenment. I 
have no problem with the concept of redemption; in fact, I think that’s the best part of Christianity. Yet it’s very hard to enjoy the prompt character switch of a guy who just sent twenty innocent Christians to their deaths. This happens in literally a span of about a half-hour real time. “Huh? Bummer. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.” Yeah. And why is it always the peaceful Christians who die prematurely while the violence lives on? Honestly? That explains a lot. About everything.
If you like films where a guy sits around in a jail cell for a while until another guy joins him, well, Paul, Apostle of Christ is your dessert tray. The film got a tad preachy, but on the side of “love is all you need.” That’s a wonderful message and had it been accompanied by anything in the film that might pry a set of eyes away from a round of Candy Crush, I’d give it a higher rating.
♪Color me with khaki, baby
Color me with sand
Color me with togas and then
Make me work the land
Romans, take your hearth and vine
Stick it where the sun don’t shine
Paul me! (Paul me) my new name
I play a diff’rent kind of game
Paul me! (Paul me) in the square
Now I dig Christ everywhere
Paul me! ♫
Rated PG-13, 108 Minutes
Director: Andrew Hyatt
Writer: Terence Berden, Andrew Hyatt
Genre: The suburbs of Jesusville
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The starved-for-Jesus
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who might disagree that Christians are the sole keepers of truth
♪ Parody Inspired by “Call Me”
