If you look carefully early on, you might find Chris Pratt in the periphery kinda waiting for a movie to happen. The part of Steven Spielberg’s non-union Mexican equivalent in the movie was played by Spanish director J.A. Bayona, whose work I have enjoyed a great deal in the past. He’s out of his element here; the Señor Spielbergo routine only goes so far when you forget just how “wide angle” the wide-angle lens is supposed to be. Whether Bayona, Pratt, or perhaps that the franchise doesn’t have anything new to say, the message is clear: the once fearsome Jurassic experience has jumped the CGI-fabricated Cretaceous period Megashark, and I doubt very seriously it’s ever coming back.
In truly bizarre fashion, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom begins with some People for the Ethical Treatment of Dinosaurs group … a pretty good indication that franchise inspiration PETa’D out years ago. This is a used plot, and used from the previous worst entry among the field: The Lost World. Isla Nublar has an active volcano set to blow (good thing volcanoes are timed, right?), and threatening to engulf all the poor lethal dinosaurs. I’m stumped for which angle of this plot I find more stupid: the fact that ordinary people will volunteer their time and lives to save these corporate fabrications or the idea that a group like PETA -which can’t accomplish jack on US soil- can somehow effect change on a forbidden island under the control of Costa Rica.
Head advocate Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) convinces her raptor-whispering ex-boyfriend Owen (Pratt) that he needs to go to the island and save Blew or forever live with the shame of not knowing what it’s like when a franchise goes south (“but honey, I’ve still got Guardians of the Galaxy to wreck”). Ah, but just like in Lost World, there are evil army guys only there for corporate profiteering. The last army guys were better. (I never ever imagined I’d miss Pete Postlethwaite in my lifetime, but there it is.) And again like Lost World, there is also a scene of naïve idiots repairing a broken carnivorous dinosaur.
And then Fallen Kingdom evolves suddenly and violently. I think the term is “punctuated equilibrium,” is it not? A movie about saving these poor little tributes to man playing God yields to the introduction of an auction for the world’s deadliest predators. I love the next part where the film introduces Badass Rex, or whatever they decided to call it: an intelligent, trainable killing machine with the capability of individual target specialization. So, just wait a sec. You’ve used advanced science to create a single purpose assassination weapon. The plot from Lost World has now turned into the plot from Real Genius.
And how is that target specification crap supposed to work, anyway? I mean, assuming it actually does work … what’s the next step?
“Sir, the camera footage shows the ambassador was ripped to shreds by a designer dinosaur, one specifically engineered for exactly this purpose.”
“Do we have any leads?”
“Well, there’s only one man in the world capable of making designer dinosaurs, but he has an alibi, so we’re stumped.”
“Huh. Ok, well,
maybe the dinosaurs will talk; see if anybody out there speaks Ankylosaur.”
Seriously. To borrow a bit from This Is Spinal Tap, “You can’t dust for dinosaur.” Nor do you need to. While there may well be government and army uses for trained raptors, there are not the private applications you imagine there are.
This film deserved worse than two stars. We both know it. Here’s my thing – anytime you can make me believe that a real life dinosaur is actually on screen, that’s a rare and impressive achievement. However, you know what? It’s neither as rare, nor as much of an achievement as it used to be. Given the relatively unique subject matter, the potential for better is present, obviously, but if this franchise dies as a result of this disaster, I will not weep for it.
♪It was a film like this over twenty years ago
They didn’t need a script, that’s what they told us so
And then that beast got loose, that guy ain’t very nice
I asked, “Who has a piece? A bazooka should suffice.”
Yeah we all knew the score. We locked that dinosaur
Open the cage, prepare the door
Everybody lock that dinosaur
Open the cage, prepare the door
Everybody lock that dinosaur♫
Rated PG-13, 128 Minutes
Director: J.A. Bayona
Writer: Derek Connolly & Colin Trevorrow
Genre: Shark, Jumped the
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Perhaps if you went into a time machine in 1980 and emerged in 2018 not knowing there had been four other better Jurassic films
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Seen it. And seen it better.”
♪ Parody Inspired by “Walk the Dinosaur”
