Gosh, it’s a shame our culture never invented rope, huh? I was all ready to mock Alpha – lemme tell ya, “Mock Alpha” is my favorite Aegean ska band – and yet an ounce of research shows they did an ounce of research on this film: there is indeed such thing as European Bison; the species could well have thrived 20,000 years ago when the film takes place. Sabertooth tigers, another plot point, also existed at that time (I’m not sure they behaved liked the creatures in A Quiet Place, but hey, points for relevance). The domestication of the dog dates back to roughly this era (i.e. so far, it’s not impossible for this history to be possible) and rope wasn’t invented until pharaoh insisted upon commemorating his personal obelisk, which is also well after this story takes place. So Round One goes to Alpha.
Ok, let me unpack all that. It is Europe, 20,000 years ago. Yes, I’m a little put off that even ancient history has to be European, but, hey, one step at a time; you can’t possibly expect movie producers to research facts AND be culturally aware all in the same film, can you? That’s insanity. May as well ask for an olive-complexioned Jesus. And yes, recent studies have shown that the reliance of male hunter gender specific version of ancient tribal behavior is probably outdated; ancient diets were much likelier gathered than slain. So … Round Two to History. Enough of that.
It is late hunting season and the Eurocaveman Jack Black (Jóhannes Haukur Jóhannesson) is selecting prospectives with a “who makes the best rock-knife” competition. This seems a lousy criteria for promoting noobs and a classic management misunderstanding of talent, but check it out, my son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) made the cut, yay! Remember that “misunderstanding of talent” thing? It comes into play real soon when the pacifist-minded teen gets the wrong end of a bison (is there a right end?) and ends up broken on a cliff ledge 50 feet below the rest of the tribe and 100 feet above safety. Yeah, the invention of rope might have helped at this point. Lacking such, however, Caveman Jack Black sheds some tears, erects a makeshift memorial, and abandons the scene. Sorry, kid.
You wouldn’t guess it from Act I, but Alpha is actually about the domestication of dogs, who are currently all wolves at this time in history. Shame that the vacuum is also a modern invention; how are you supposed to keep canines at bay without? The wolfpack Alpha is wounded in a scuffle for food, so the injured kid and the injured wolf have to take care of one another for survival when winter sets in. Check it out, this wolf is pretty much a dog already. How convenient. Unfortunately, the film did not examine the point in history where an angry sewer rat mated with a faux fur satchel and the Chihuahua was invented.
Now, normally, this is one of those reviews where, given the title, I’d do something stupid like try to pepper the essay with the entire Greek alphabet. I’m no rho-des scholar or psi-chi-atrist; maybe I could beta test an essay about dogs that “Mu” and fill it with atrocious gamma-r. Iota do something with the hand I was delta-d, right? Omega-d, theta-in’t gonna happen. I’ll put a kappa on that right nu and go have some pi.
Alpha prides itself on being a family film, but I’m thinking it’s not for every family. Do you want to promote as “family” a film in which the father abandons his still-living son? Is that what you do at Six Flags when li’l Suzie is missing … arrange a makeshift cairn outside the ball pit and exit in tears without getting your hand stamped? Small children are not going to understand the dynamics and achievements of tribal Europe. As survivalist tales go, however, this isn’t bad, and most children should be able to understand the antagonistic-turned-symbiotic relationship between man and wolf which is the point of the film. Just hope they don’t need to understand how there’s a sunny tropical summer day at the beginning of winter; man-made climate change wasn’t a thing 20,000 years ago.
♪If Dog had a place where would it be?
And would you call Her a disgrace
If She were too tame to write this story
What would you ask if you had just one biscuit?
And yeah, yeah, who’s a great Dog?
And yeah, yeah, who’s a good Dog?
And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if Dog lived right by us?
Just slobber like a mass of pus
Warning strangers she’s dangerous
Guarding mailmen from our home♫
Rated PG-13, 96 Minutes
Director: Albert Hughes
Writer: Daniele Sebastian Wiedenhaupt
Genre: Fast Times at Pleistocene High
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Survivalists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Quitters!
♪ Parody Inspired by “One of Us”
