If a film skips around enough, can you actually hear the record scratch? Sorry, LP joke for those over the age of … well, let’s just say over the age. Writer/director Gus Van Sant explores the entire gamut of the AA 12-step program in the biographical film Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot, but he sure as heck didn’t explore all the steps in order. This brings up one of the most relevant movie-watching questions of our age: can you tell the difference between good guy Joaquin Phoenix and jerk Joaquin Phoenix?
John Callahan (Phoenix) is as reckless in his wheelchair as when he could walk. When we first see him doing the motorized chair thing, he scoots around with all the daring, recklessness, and hyper-obliviousness of a bike messenger. And then he face-plants on the street. It isn’t until the second half of the film we realize this is the clean-and-sober version of John Callahan. You’re kidding, right? Wow. Can’t wait to see this guy at his worst. Oh. Ok, turns out I can wait. Per-AA John Callahan is a mess – unkind, unloved, and constantly hiding behind an adoption immaturity complex. He drinks in between drinking and more drinking.
Going through the events of the “tragic” day John became paralyzed, the only wonder is how it didn’t happen sooner. At a party, he trades a possible hookup for more substance abuse and then befriends another alcoholic, Dexter (Jack Black). These two deposit amounts of liquor that would kill me, and, in-between, break into an amusement park because what’s more fun than throwing up on thrill rides? Speaking of which, Dexter has a go-to move I’ve never seen – while driving, he rolls down the window, vomits, returns to ten and two, and takes a swig to wash the taste out. Genius. As I say, it’s only a wonder these two didn’t end up in wheelchairs before this.
These scenes are all clipped among John’s newfound love of cartooning, his newfound love (Rooney Mara), and his AA adventures with new sponsor Jonah Hill. It’s the 70s, so costuming got all excited about dressing up Jonah as the missing Allman Brother. John’s cartooning arises as an attempt to locate his birth mother through a sketch. Turns out John knows how to draw; it only took 90% body paralysis and limited hand function to get there. Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot is a caption for a John Callahan cartoon in which an old west posse is tracking a man who has abandoned his wheelchair.
Don’t Worry has a terrible habit of going inaudible at exactly the wrong time. This is what boom mics are used for, folks. After the accident, for example, John wakes from a coma paralyzed. It takes a bit to get the man to recognize what’s going on, but after that time, I’d really like to hear his opinion. I will grant you, he’s probably 
not ready to sing an aria in front of a full house. His voice will be raspy, sure. Still, the version I saw had no closed captions to make out how John reacts to his own paralysis and his hot new case worker, Annu (Mara). If you must see this film, I suggest a venue in which captioning is an option; I guarantee it will come in handy.
When not making it impossible to hear, Don’t Worry’s thesis is showing the value of Alcoholics Anonymous; I’d bet that Gus Van Sant has some personal insight into AA – the constant splicing of reckless John and civil John relays a “sobering” message: John is a better man at 10% mobility than he ever was at 100%. AA did that. I’ve always liked the idea of Alcoholics Anonymous. Luckily, I’ve never had the pleasure. I’m not wild about all of it – I believe the idea that addiction recovery requires acknowledgment of a higher power is equally as full-of-shit as the idea that atheists can’t be moral. However, I’m a big fan of a place where everybody greets you, even if you’re new, and a place where fitting in requires you to be honest, especially to yourself. I hope that I never get to a point where AA becomes part of my life and yet, I’m very glad it exists. As for this picture, well, it’s not bad, but if I ever see it again, I hope I’m intoxicated at the time.
Editors note: When Annu first meets John, she calls him “handsome” and insists on it. Now, I’m no great judge of pretty, but, but, but, it’s Joaquin Phoenix. You can’t be serious here. I’d rather woo a dumpster fire. During the end credits, we get a look at the real John Callahan. By gosh, he is handsome. This is one of the very few cases in movie history, imho, in which the actual person is more attractive than the actor who
portrayed him.
Callahan was out of control
Alcoholism had taken its toll
The excessive chunder
Couldn’t steal his thunder
You gotta admit, he’s on a roll
Rated R, 114 Minutes
Director: Gus Van Sant
Writer: Gus Van Sant
Genre: Wheelchair abuse
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: AA regulars
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Actual drunks
