There must be a point at which you realize your film sucks. I mean, how could you not? It’s a horror with no scares, no blood, and no body count –wait. Does “missing” count as dead? I say no. Anyhoo, here’s what I’m guessing: When the creators of Slender Man reached the point where it was reasonable to conclude, “Our film sucks,” they decided, “Screw it. Shoot everything in the dark. Interiors. Exteriors. Afternoons. Whatever. Maybe the sheer lack of light will coax a thrill or two.” Sure. Why not? What have you to lose at that point? You could even add another five dream sequences.
In a thin (lean? meagre?) attempt to cash in on internet hype, Slender Man came to theaters last week, bored a few folks, shoveled some popcorn down his non-existent facehole and left … quietly. Very odd title, Slender Man. I mean he probably wasn’t born Slenderus Michael Man, son of Lithesomas Garibaldi Man, Esq., hence I gotta believe Slender Man is fairly insecure about his body image. As such is more often a feminine attribute, I question the entire “Man” premise which strikes me as almost aggressively CIS anyway. Do you suppose it’s overcompensation, as in the case of Boy George? Perhaps it’s a stretch to say Slender Man seeks to be a gender-fluid villain, but just in case, I’m going to start using “they” and “them,” dig?
Four forgettable teen girls (sadly, I’ve enjoyed Joey King in the past) get word that the boys are trying to summon Slender Man. Sadly taking the “any pooch you can screw, I can screw better” bait, the girls play the strangely accessible video that puts one on the Slender Man radar. I never get the supernaturally-accessible part. Do they visit everybody who sees the video? How do they keep track? I mean, suppose the video gets more hits than my blog, a small accomplishment to be sure, but all I do is write; I don’t make dream house calls and stalk you personally; who has time for that? And what if you only half the video? Do they just do a cameo? Do they wait for you to finish? Maybe that’s why it takes them so long to show up or do anything.
The Slender Man summon video itself feels like somebody took The Ring video and edited out all the creepy stuff. If you’re gonna crib, film, crib better than this.
Shortly afterwards, the redhead among the four, Katie (Annalise Basso), disappears during a school field trip to a cemetery. Boy, it sure sounds like there would be a scare in there, wouldn’t you think? The remaining trio hits upon the thought, “Huh, we’re all getting supernatural stalking vibes and our friend is gone. Think we should do something? Nah.” That night, Katie’s father breaks into the house of Wren (King) to accuse her of knowing stuff and not doing anything. The movie presented this as a possible Slender Man visit, but it turned out just to be Katie’s dad. I’m sorry, why did he break in and where are Wren’s parents?
The following was my favorite moment in the movie, by far: The very next night, the three non-taken girls get together (I should note here that parental supervision in Slender Man is worse than your average Miyazaki film) and break into Katie’s dad’s house. Well, gee, fair is fair, right? I certainly didn’t see that one coming. After that, they get the notion that getting Katie back amounts to sacrificing something the girls really love, so they all go out to the woods at night and destroy girl scout merit badges, baseball cards, and Justin Bieber posters in a vain attempt to get some Slender concession.
Our villain here has no face, which, yes, is creepy, but there’s only so much you can do with a non-speaking antagonist. Hence, they grow some extra limbs on demand. The camera never rarely shows SM, which makes sense because if I look long enough, I start picturing the figure in René Magritte’s Le Fils de L’Homme with a tree growing out of their back. Eventually a horror film has to show something besides darkness, preferably something menacing, threatening, or at least unsettling. It takes Slender Man forever to get to this point and when it finally does, I really don’t think this film tops out at any better than a C- worth of scare. It’s very possible I overrated this film; chalk it up to sympathy for SM’s identity issues.
♪When snotty teens on the net appear
To troll all sites both far and near
Resisting those whom they should fear
The cry goes out to lure them here
It’s Slender Man! Slender Man! Slender Man! Slender Man!
Face of pudding, arms of birch tree,
Shows up briefly around act III
Slender Man!
Slender Man!♫
Rated PG-13, 93 Minutes
Director: Sylvain White
Writer: David Birke
Genre: That magic point between internet toxicity and complete ennui
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The trolls who created the original uproar
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of film
♪ Parody Inspired by “Underdog”
