So Bob Equalizer isn’t working at the Home Depot any longer? That’s a shame; I thought he was getting really good at that job. Sure, there’s the freelance vigilantism; but I think you’d be surprised at how little that pays. Batman kinda needs an accountant, knowwhatI’msayin’?
The Equalizer 2 is really three films: in the first half, Denzel Washington helps white people. In the second half, Denzel Washington kills white people. And somewhere in between, Denzel joins the big brothers/big sisters mentoring teens program because there’s no safer or more nurturing place to be than at the side of a violent trained vigilante assassin.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for The Equalizer’s cool. He steps into a bar car on a Turkish train, notes three toughs, sets his watch, and dismantles his opponents without a sweat. He makes sure to stop his watch with the workout complete … 11 seconds, a new PR! Fun as that is, I’m not sure you really need your Fitbit here — I don’t think you’re getting your daily steps in, pal. After “reasoning” with a father, he returns a girl to her mother in Boston “right under the State Department’s nose.”
Here is where the world of The Equalizer loses me … first off – I don’t want anybody to come into the country without the State Department aware of them. On that issue, immigration foes and I are in complete agreement. (What other folks and I want to happen once they get here is a different story.) Second, and more importantly: how? You can’t just ship a little girl from Ankara to Boston unnoticed without a how. In the movies, we can go directly from Denzel Washington serving up some Turkish Delight in one scene to an eight-year-old girl waiting for her mother at The Pru in the next. If you ask me, the latter is the tougher skill set than the former, but they don’t make movies about guys who set their watches to immigration issues.
Bobby Equalizer (Washington) spends his days doing right by Boston – investigating holocaust survival mysteries, beating up trust fund sex offenders, and cleaning graffiti off the façade of his apartment building all while driving an Uber. Art student Miles (Ashton Sanders) questions Robert’s need to face the graffiti alone when it’s not his responsibility. Uh oh, kid, you’ve unlocked both a movie message and Uncle Robert, the kindly assassin who will spout sagacity while dispatching demons.
Unfortunately, the big brother program will have to wait while Washington solves the murder of his former colleague, Susan (Melissa Leo). Of course, Bobby 
Equalizer doesn’t so much solve mysteries as erase mysterians. That’s kind of his thing. I almost feel sorry for whatever white people dared mess with Melissa Leo.
In a way, The Equalizer franchise is kind of a modern day Dirty Harry. Politics and labels have changed since the 1970s; Clint Eastwood’s dare to insist the ends justify the means isn’t nearly as shocking at this point in time. Denzel Washington can do the same thing and not a single one among us will pretend the bad guys didn’t have it coming. That doesn’t make the show bad or unentertaining; Denzel Washington remains my favorite actor and Antoine Fuqua definitely knows how to make him look good. So I’m torn; I recognize that I enjoyed what I saw on screen, and the messages of self-responsibility and accountability are positive ones, but the methods to achieve these messages falls far short of ideal. At the end of the day, however, you won’t care. Is Denzel Washington cool? Yes, he is.
♪Nobody could be deader
Just look at this great big mess
No baddie gets to walk when you are through
Baby, you’re badass♫
Rated R, 121 Minutes
Director: Antoine Fuqua
Writer: Richard Wenk
Genre: Equalizin’
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Mathematicians?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Bad dudes
♪ Parody Inspired by “Baby, You’re the Best”
