Hell Comes to Frogtown did more justice to frogs. Obviously, I’m going to tear this film apart, but I have to preface the vitriol with slack-jawed horror at some of the things Duck Duck Goose chose to show me: in this film, frogs are swallowed whole, mocked, stomped, punted, and as if that isn’t enough, the film makes no bones about how waterfowl are somehow on a higher level of evolution than amphibians. Writer/director Christopher Jenkins, you made yourself an enemy today. I would love to put you “down” for years to come, but it’s clear from this piece of stupid that my career as a critic will far outlast yours as a filmmaker.
Our hero is voiced by Jim Gaffigan. I’ll let you stew with that one for a bit while I unpack some of the rest: winter is approaching the Chinese mainland and it’s time for the geese to fly south. Gosh, what’s going to happen to the ducklings? Yes, ducklings. Why are there ducklings hatching in October? Well, gosh, I can’t believe a team of frog-dissin’ writers don’t know jack about zoology. Two orphans, Chi (Zendaya) and Chao (Lance Lim), are super-screwed: a week old, no flock, a hungry Gollem-wannabe cat (Greg Proops; was Ian McShane unavailable?) looking for a little appetizer of peeking duck, and their default parental figure is a jerk. After hotshot soloist Peng (Gaffigan) breaks his wing, he realizes he’ll have to walk south for the winter. This, of course, also makes no sense as I’m pretty sure most migrating birds travel more than 45 feet. And he’s going to take the kids under his broken wing for no reason I can explain to you.
Tell me, sirs, did you do any research for this film at all? Any? I know it’s a cartoon, but it doesn’t work. And plot-wise, the goose hates the ducklings and the ducklings slow him down because they’re ducklings. Why would he assume guardianship? How does that make sense? And why is the goose the default parent? Wouldn’t the ducklings just pal around with the hundreds of other ducklings? And this is all assuming you got the science right, which isn’t happening to the tune of: from a scientific point of view, you could call the gander the genuine birth mother of those ducklings and it wouldn’t detract a single iota from the established zoology lesson you got goin’ on.
If I’m being honest, I did enjoy the part where the one goose questions the “V.” “Why can’t we fly as another letter?” There wasn’t great payoff here as the experiment barely reached further than “A” or “W.” Way
to fight through the animation, fellas. In the version in my head, they at least form punctuation, or something Greek. Duck Duck Goose lifted its schizophrenic villain from Lord of the Rings (as stated above), and it lifted any fun there was from the out-of-control slide sequence from (Name any children’s film). I think I first saw the animated hero rollercoaster sequence in Ice Age, but I could be wrong. This is simply an excuse to play a cheesy teen pop song while out-of-control waterfowl up the screen. Duck Duck Goose does this thrice.
I challenge anybody to watch this Chinese waterfowl torture in one sitting. This is the kind of film you pick up, watch for an hour and check your little Netflix counter only to find it has moved exactly three minutes. The plot is wrong, the pacing is a mess, and the heroes feel like you jumbled some attributes out of a hat to create a dim sum of parts. The plotholes alone are enough to sink this Chinese junk straight to the bottom of the pond. The only reason I rated this crap as high as one star is because this forgettable toon will leave no impression on the soul or spirit. Bottom 10 spots are for films that lack merit, not tangibility. Two days after this is published, I’m not gonna remember there was a Duck Duck Goose. I’ve wasted enough words on this already.
A lesson if an ear you might lend
I need a stopper before this is a trend
One thing you must know
Before you start the show
Don’t dis my amphibious friend
Rated PG, 91 Minutes
Director: Christopher Jenkins
Writer: Christopher Jenkins & Rob Muir and Scott Atkinson & Tegan West
Genre: A half-assed goose
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Really bored children
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Really bored parents
