“I need a ticket on your next plane to China; ChenChen needs me.”
“Is ChenChen your wife? Your daughter?”
“My panda.”
I suppose it’s not a classic love story, but it does have a certain charm, does it not? I imagine another missing moment is where Dr. Jacob Owens lands in China and orders: “To the Pandamobile, stat!” How would you like to have that kind of relationship with a panda? The one where if the tracking device says the panda hasn’t moved in 24 hours you’re on the next plane to Asia. And this is why people go into zoology; I get it now.
Squishy and adorable, Pandas are the perennial winner of “wild animal I’d most like to hug.” And this film is all about panda cubs. Awwww … for about ten minutes, that is. I know, I know. WTF, right? First off, keep in mind that Pandas is 40 minutes long including credits, so ten minutes is a healthy chunk, comparatively. Second, if you can’t have Pandas, black bear cubs might be the next best thing. Let me explain … Pandas are close to an endangered species (go figure), so China has a breeding facility where the creatures are artificially raised and released into the wild … however, Chinese zoologists have no experience with the release part, so they consult American bear whisperer Dr. Ben Kilham to ask what he does with his black bear rescues … and the film goes to New England for a spell.
Well, looky there, black bear cubs do act like panda cubs. I thought pandas were in the raccoon family … that they shared little in common with “real” bears. And yet, there it is. And black bears are adorable, just not quite as adorable as panda cubs … but every creature on this planet is gonna lose that battle, youknowwhatI’m sayin’?
Ok, I see the bears frolicking; young black bears share much in common with young panda bears. You have indeed shown me something I didn’t know and wouldn’t have guessed. Still … Do you know what the biggest difference is between a black bear and a panda bear? If I heard that somebody was mauled by a black bear, my reaction would be, “OMG! How bad was it? Are they still alive?” However, if I heard somebody was mauled by a panda bear, I think my natural reaction would be to snicker audibly. “Ummm, gosh, what happened? Was the person asleep 
and got mistaken for bamboo?” I mean a motivated adult panda can travel at speeds in excess of 30 to 40 feet per hour.
I’m not exactly sure where ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man” fits in the process of raising panda cubs … or in this review for that matter. But I cannot deny that it showed up in both places.
For a Chinese film about Chinese beasts, Pandas got disturbingly white. Oh, we start with baby Pandas and their caretaker, Dr. Wen Lei Bi, and sure, an English-speaking audience can expect someone like Kristen Bell as a narrator, I suppose, but when the film gets into white faces and black bears, I think it kind of loses its way. That and the $18.99 matinee for 40 minutes of movie should be enough to turn off most parents. Geez, for $18.99, I would hope for at least a souvenir. I suppose the world needs fewer stuffed Pandas and more real Pandas; that still doesn’t justify an $18.99 matinee.
♪I remember trailer five
Advertising Rugrats Live!
Our youngest needed ‘corn
My place in the food queue
Crying as the film
Elapsed without you
Returning movie underway
Black bears? Dude, what the hey?!
Staring at the screen
Ended in a blink
I never realized
You made half a film, oh Pandas
I came and my money you’re taking
Then you sent us away, oh Pandas
You dissed me by showing then flaking
And I got screwed today … by Pandas! ♫
Rated G, 40 Minutes
Director: David Douglas, Drew Fellman
Writer: Drew Fellman
Genre: Awwwwwwwww
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Awwwwwwww
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: What kind of monster are you?
♪ Parody Inspired by “Mandy”
