The Happytime Murders is going to make a lot of bottom 10 lists this year. I’m not going to feed that growing beast, but I’m not going to try taming it, either. This is what happens when you make the most tasteless film of the year. And, believe me, this film couldn’t be any more tasteless if there were a scene of Santa Claus pleasuring himself to elf porn. Damn, I wish I hadn’t said that aloud; it will just give these guys more ideas.
Are you ready for R-rated muppets? Oops, sorry, no “M” word in this film; these are all “puppets.” Of course they are. This film is directed by Brian Henson, eldest son of Jim Henson, who does more to tarnish his father’s legacy here than Eric Trump could ever imagine. Are you ready for R-rated puppets? No, no, don’t answer right away. Truly ask yourself these questions: Are you ready to see puppets snort coke? Are you ready to see puppets wield lethal firearms? Are you ready for a puppet to reenact the Sharon Stone reveal in Basic Instinct? I’m not sure there are many moments in life that prepare you for such.
3’6” Phil Phillips (voice of Bill Barretta) was the only puppet cop in Los Angeles; he’s now a PI. In this Los Angeles, puppets are alive, well, visible, and horribly discriminated against. I think there was good opportunity for paralleling puppet discrimination with modern racial discrimination, but the film cared nothing about such matters. I don’t know how Phil works the pedals when he drives, but nobody walks in El Lay, not even puppets. He has a client who has an “Ima” problem as in “Ima gonna hump everything I see.” Oh, just wait; it gets much worse. The blackmail letter “Ima” gets draws Phil to the local adult shop, where a puppet porno film is currently being shot. Imagine, if you will, a fuzzy stuffed octopus milking every udder of a large felt cow lying on her back while she moans with erotic delight. Yes, you’re either going to find that hilarious or repugnant; I don’t think there’s a middle ground here.
After the initial shock of walking, talking socks dropping F-bombs and showing us puppet pornography, the novelty –for the most part- wears off. And it wears off because the leads are morons and the humor is too sporadic and puerile to sustain itself. One minute after the puppet cow went over the moon, a masked bandit shows up and blows the XXX store to bits –all while Phil is in the back ignoring the live camera feed. Shortly thereafter, Phil’s ex-partner Detective Connie Edwards (Melissa McCarthy) makes her entrance so that we can all be reminded why Melissa McCarthy hasn’t yet made the Hollywood Hall of Fame. Man, I thought McCarthy played a shitty cop in The Heat. That detective was freaking Hercule Poirot compared to Connie Edwards. In nearly every scene of this film, an unknown assailant out to eliminate the entire cast of “The Happytime Gang” players does in one or two right in front of Phillips or Edwards or both while those two limp jagoffs do nothing.
Nothing. And then, for good measure, there’s stupidity like the casting of Leslie David Baker as Edwards’ no-nonsense superior and Edwards turning in her badge to an FBI agent (?!) The phrase is, “Sorry, pal, I don’t work for you. Eat it.”
I love the muppets. I always have. I can separate my love from this. The Happytime Murders seems intent on taking the muppets down a peg or two. I’m ok with that. In fact, I like the idea of muppets being more “human,” ironically. But the muppets are at their best when the writing is solid. We imagine Kermit the Frog as a quiet and introspective leader because he’s written that way. There isn’t a single human or puppet in this film worth a discount admission here, which means the joy of the picture is 100% immature sensationalism. Yeah, there were some fair laughs, but every one of them was of the ilk where you hate yourself a little for finding it funny. At the end of the day, I don’t want to hate myself or the muppets. And I might have just talked myself into a Bottom 10 selection after all.
♪Why is there frequently
Smut about humans
And who’s doing whom on the side?
Porno, when visioned
Leads to delusion
And people with something to hide
So I’ve been told yet refuse to believe it
I know there’s variety
Someday I’ll find it
A porno selection
With muppets and bondage and pee♫
Rated R, 91 Minutes
Director: Brian Henson
Writer: Todd Berger
Genre: Tarnishing your childhood
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: What’s the word for being sexually attracted to muppets?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody with an ounce of class
♪ Parody Inspired by “The Rainbow Connection”
