Hmmmm …. a cloistered Hellscape of madness and pain haunted by an evil nun … or nuns. Honestly, it sounds like every day of 4th grade for me at St. Theresa Elementary. Joking! I kid. I kid. I kid because Catholicism sucks. Joking, again. But seriously … I am glad that film is as close as I come to nuns these days. With all due respect to Sister Maureen, my first grade teacher, nuns scare me … and given that I clearly liked at least one when I was five, this is a learned trait. For now, all I can say is nobody has to sell me on the concept of an evil nun.
It seems there’s a portal to Hell in Romania. I suppose anybody who has been to Romania can attest to that. :rimshot: It’s not often you find a suicidal nun, but that’s exactly what local goat whisperer Frenchie (Jonas Bloquet) discovers upon delivering the monthly supply of filth to the monastery. The Vatican gets right on it, sending the crack team of Father Burke (Demián Bichir) and Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga), a nun-to-be still in her training cowl. Should I be alarmed at how much the Vatican knows about random American pre-nuns? I want you to think about that when I tell you there are 700,000 nuns worldwide. Oh, wait. This is 1952, so there were more and we didn’t have the internet or computers. What do you imagine it took for an American pre-sister to get the Vatican’s attention in 1952? No, no. I’ll wait. Take your time.
The monastery itself is ten miles removed from everything in all directions. The word is out that evil has set up shop; it even got to the horses, who refuse to advance past the graveyard. Every gravestone has a little bell attached – a remnant from plague days when buried alive was a thing. Yeah, it’s just a matter of time before that gets some play. Father Burke and Sister Irene are essentially there to investigate if evil has taken over. The answer seems pretty obvious to anybody who noticed the hanging corpse in front of the front door that has been dangling for two weeks now. Just in case, however, the place has a live-in shape-shifting demon who often assumes the form of The Nun – a hideous mock-up of a standard Catholic nun. You know, when in Rom-ania … It’s kinda the Zelig of evil spirits. The worst part? This doesn’t even have to be a mock-up; even the Sister Act nuns give me the willies.
It’s not like The Nun is habit-forming, but I give this film a little bit more credit than standard modern horror crap. The devil is in the details, so-to-speak: fresh blood underneath the hanging corpse, “I didn’t put the body in that position,” and tricks of illusion that make every veil a potential ghoul. While the demon infesting the monastery prefers the guise of a scary nun, it isn’t above messing with minds. Don’t get me wrong; this is still standard modern supernatural paint-by-numbers horror; it relies far too heavily on deliberately hazy camerawork and poor lighting. As the bar is so low on most horror, however, you might find the genuine scares here on the refreshing side.
The Nun is technically a spin-off from one of The Conjuring 2. I’m pretty sure there will be a Nun II: Second to Nun, which will be, in turn a second sequel of a second spin-off of a franchise currently working on film number three. At some point, I’m going to have to get a scorecard. In the meantime, nuns can be frightening. But we knew that.
♪There’s been a Hellmouth since time began
But some dude picked the lock; I guess he’s a fan
And I want you to know
From when you’d appear
Your fav’rite guise
Still fills me head-to-toe with fear
It’s still The Nun
That gives a heart full of dread
Still The Nun
That gets in my head
I’m not having fun
When you’re still The Nun♫
Rated R, 96 Minutes
Director: Corin Hardy
Writer: Gary Dauberman
Genre: Catholic School Girls in Trouble
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Sphenisciphobes – assuming you wish to be scared
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Nuns
♪ Parody Inspired by “Still the One”
