Yes, the title means exactly what you think it means. This film is about the trials and tribulations of a severed penis. Such marks the second 2018 Netflix film to feature a severed penis which begs the question: exactly how many times was Netflix gonna Bobbitt this year? Personally, I think even one is too many. But I digress.
You might ask, “Well, is this a mature handling of the subject matter?” To which I respond that said question could have been asked in Wayne’s World speak and still not come within a zip code of the level of immaturity the film had to offer. The Three Stooges found the film puerile … Pauly Shore asked that the screenplay “Grow up a bit” … Beavis and Butt-head thought this material beneath them. That is the level of maturity going on in The Package.
Five idiot teens (Daniel Doheny, Geraldine Viswanathan, Sadie Calvano, Luke Spencer Roberts, Eduardo Franco) attempt to denature nature with an overnight hike most of them will recount at future AA meetings. While all five are immature late teens, special commendation goes to Jeremy (Franco), who wants his buddy Sean (Doheny) to hook up with his sister Becky (Viswanathan) so badly that he passes Sean a condom exactly for this purpose. Did I mention that Jeremy and Becky are twins? This comes up a bunch of times, most notably when the non-mutilated foursome have to decide among themselves which one needs to suck venom out of Jeremy’s severed Franco. Donnie (Roberts, who resembles a pervy cousin at a Weasley wedding) suggests that Bucky be the one as, at some point in utero, she almost certainly had done so already. I honestly don’t know where anyone goes from that comment.
To cut this short, so-to-speak, Jeremy is out for a pee while brandishing his new gangster knife and let us just say he was careless with his bris-ness … then the emergency medi-vac left a man behind ifyouknowwhatImean. The problem with that is nobody noticed until morning at which point the morons (all phoneless at this time) decided to hike little Jeremy to Mt. Doom 
Memorial Hospital. Needless to say, they treat their li’l friend with the same respect that one might treat a nerf football at an outdoor rock concert.
Did The Package make me laugh? I’m embarrassed to say yes, and more than once, in fact. Pure laughs wise, it was funnier than Action Point. There’s a montage late in which a gas station attendant (Michael Eklund) cleans up the grizzled organ with the same reverence you might wish a coroner took for a loved one. Despite my better instincts, I couldn’t stop laughing during that scene. I now feel shame and disgrace. Damn you, Package! I suppose I’m trying to say that were I at the age in which I’d first discovered Playboy Magazine, well, this could well have been my favorite summer film. But I’m not 29 any longer. :rimshot: Seriously, for boys clinging to either side of the puberty abyss, I think this film could be hilarious. For anybody with an ounce of self-respect, however, you are going to find yourself apologizing to anybody who had to sit through this film with you.
♪Oh-foot-three
Used to pee
What fun we’d have just he and me
Has anybody seen my tool?
Circumcised
Canonized
He’s gone now ain’t I surprised?
I think I lost my fam’-ly jewel
Now if you run into
A severed wang
Out in the stir
Take a pad and make a sketch
Hey that’s mine
I’d know him for sure
Oh-foot-three
Part of me
Knob dong cock
One-eyed Willy
Has anybody seen my tool? ♫
Rated TV-MA, 94 Minutes
Director: Jake Szymanski
Writer: Kevin Burrows, Matt Mider
Genre: Comedy (and by that I mean pure horror)
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dick Van Patten, Dick Van Dyke, Dick Cheney, and Rod Serling
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Georgia O’Keeeeffffe
♪ Parody Inspired by “Has Anybody Seen My Girl? (Five Foot Two Eyes of Blue)”
I can but hope that no person has ever shown this 93-year-old classic song as much disrespect as I have today.
