Evading a serial murderer at an amusement park? Well, it sure beats waiting in line, doesn’t it? Hear me out … suppose you had two choices: one was Disneyland on an average day, 44,000 people. The other was Disneyland on a wonderful day (for fans, not Disneyland), say 5,000 people, but you were guaranteed one death among the 5,000. Which day would you choose? I bet you there are a ton of people who choose 5,000 and most have attented many, many theme parks. Lines are no fun. Waiting is no fun. A guy with a big knife is no fun … but if it comes with no line? State your case; I’ll hear it.
I want to say Hell Fest is a Halloween-themed amusement park, but that’s not quite right; Hell Fest is more a horror-film themed amusement park – gallows, ghouls, blood, children of the corn, and Showgirls as far as the eye can see. And everywhere mazes, mazes, mazes. There are more mazes in this film than an androgynous lab rat can expect to see in their lifetime. I suppose that’s the intended feel of the film – we are labrats and our “cheese” is life, precious life. Can we escape the maze to live another day?
The “heroine,” for lack of a better word, is Natalie (Amy Forsyth). I am reluctant to call anyone who shows up in a teen slasher flick a hero or heroine as showing up by itself seems a really stupid idea. She returns to her old apartment – producers of Hell Fest, I appreciate that you gave her a back story, but as it’s both superfluous and meaningless, you need not have bothered. This apartment only exists to set up the “exciting” foreplay of Hell Fest and introduce two bad characters, Brooke (Reign Edwards. That’s a great name, huh? I want to be called “Reign”) and Taylor (Bex Taylor-Klaus – I have no idea where to go here; so many choices. Should I comment that “Bex” is less a name as an industrial complex? Should I comment that you gave the character the same name as half their real-life last name? How about that whole “Taylor-Klaus” thing? Is that what liberated Mrs. Santa goes by these days?). I’m double perplexed by the fact that Taylor is my least favorite character in 2018 film. I couldn’t wait for her to die, and it didn’t happen soon enough. Taylor is the kind of person who often insinuates (?) suggests (?) no, flat-out says, “You guys on a first date are going to have sex now, aren’t you?” Giggle giggle, hee hee. She says this or something similar pretty much every line of dialogue she has.
WE GET IT. YOU LIKE HAVING SEX. YOU LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT TO COVER UP WHATEVER TROVE OF INSECURITES BEING NAMED “TAYLOR” HAS AROUSED. YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH YOU IMAGINE OTHERS DOING IT, TOO, AND TELL THEM ABOUT IT. Now hurry up and die before I punch you in the face.
Back to the main event — upon arriving at Hell Fest, Natalie is paired with her would-be boytoy, Gavin (Roby Attal, who won’t be around much, attal). Little does she know that she’s also been paired with a masked serial killer who slowly stalks her around the Hell Fest playground. In a way, this is actually quite a clever plot device; patrons who come to Hell Fest expect scares. Masked Michael Myers wannabe here can, what’s the term?, “hide in plain sight.” He can commit murder in front of a crowd and spectators will believe it’s all part of an act. It’s clever, awful, and downright Trumpian all at once.
I can’t say I’m big on the screaming and fleeing. Unlike Jason or Michael or Freddy, the masked guy here seemed pretty darn mortal. So I would have loved to see Natalie a little less timid or a little smarter or, you know, something. I suppose she wasn’t a complete shrinking violent, but, seriously, we’re into transgender heroes and feminism out the wazoo now; tell me you can’t take this guy or at least find somebody who can. One parting note: the final scene in the film is as quixotic as any in the past half-decade, so yay? I sure wish it didn’t feel so cheap.
♪Last night I took a chance in the dark
A grisly place called Soiledpants Park
Played with death, I did so yessiree
Screwed with my life there!
I messed a dude who would stab and shoot
His only tat was a Dahmer tribute
And after a while, he was stalkin’ casu’lly
He’s carving up with a butcher’s grip
Down like a sirloin roaster
Hacked like a lunatic
And around ‘til you make no sound
When I fell apart down at Soiledpants Park♫
Rated R, 89 Minutes
Director: Gregory Plotkin
Writer: Seth M. Sherwood and Blair Butler and Akela Cooper
Genre: Theme park horror. Make that actual theme park horror
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Horror junkies
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Amusement park owners
♪ Parody Inspired by “Palisades Park”
