We know Lizzie Borden did it, right? I mean, in the annals of American true crime, this –on the mystery scale- is much more OJ or John Wilkes Booth and much less JFK or “Croatoan,” yes? After all, how can a child’s rhyme possibly be historically inaccurate?
Lizzie Borden took and axe and gave her mother forty whacks/
When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.
I knew that thing when I was, like, nine. Thank you, my dear sister, for all those trips to Girl Scout camp; you guys talk about some really messed-up stuff.
On August 4, 1892 in Fall River, MA, wealthy patriarch Andrew Borden (Jamey Sheridan) and his wife, that awful Mrs. Dursley (Fiona Shaw), were axed to death in the their family home where they lived their daughters, adult spinsters Lizzie (Chloë Sevigny), Emma (Kim Dickens), and their maid Bridget (Kristen Stewart), whom they called “Maggie” because they‘re assholes. Well, I suppose she didn’t get called “Maggie” much after that day, huh?
By this account, Old Man Borden had it comin’. An abusive and ill-tempered bully, Andrew Borden practiced authoritarianism at every turn. Oh, sure, it was fine for him to check out the maid’s quarters unannounced and unwelcomed, but he expected every other household member to stick to a set pattern and path like the 2D players on a board hockey game. When the man announces he needs to draw up a will, I had to control myself from commenting aloud, “Who will rape the maid when I’m gone? Who? Who?”
Lizzie Borden suffered from tubercusumptionvapors, as was the custom of the day. Hence she had fainting spells, especially during bad opera. Lizzie would have to fight her father just to leave the house. I’m a little surprised her father needed to control her so. There was the stated reason of Lizzie’s health and standards of the day, but you’d think at some point the guy would say, “Geez, woman, you’re 44 and hopelessly single when the average life span is, what? 42? 38? 15? Go get your freak on! Don’t come back until you found the fun!”
Oh, I’m forgetting, aren’t I? America invented many things, but didn’t discover “fun” until the 1920s, which was promptly cut down by the Great Depression and lost for 40 years.
Anyhoo, Lizzie and Emma were bullied around a house that became something of a prison with dad as the warden. Oh, hey, check it out, dad isn’t the only one looking to bugger the help. This is part of the Lizzie Borden legend I’d never heard. And what’s the response? Move over Teams Edward and Jacob, this time Kristen Stewart has joined Team Rainbow.
Is this the missing couplet from the above?
Lizzie’s father took his “axe” and forced some lecherous attacks/
When Liz saw what he had done, she and Bridget had some fun.
This retelling of CSI: Borden flips from boring to sensational in a heartbeat; I’m certain that’s why it was made – the movie deliberately ascends a mountain of repetitive dour featuring an extended glaring contest between Chloë Sevigny and Jamey Sheridan. And just when we’ve had way too much of that, it throws itself off the cliff face. I have no idea if this history is factually faithful, but it will grab your attention in Act III. That, however, proved not enough for me.
Roadside pix looked up some facts and made a film of Lizzie’s “acts”/
When receipts made them so blue, Roadside scrapped Lizzie part II
Rated R, 105 Minutes
Director: Craig William Macneill
Writer: Bryce Kass
Genre: History?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: True crime fanatics
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone with the surname “Borden”
