Now that Jack Black has triumphantly moved beyond the days of being a romantic lead or, let’s face it, a leading man of any kind, you might ask, “Gosh, how will he entertain himself?” Oh, you need not worry. Jack Black is doing plenty fine and getting massive amounts of work in the exciting field of family horror. You might be familiar with this genre – it’s horror lite, where for the same price as regular horror, things are just a fraction as scary. This genre includes films like Goosebumps, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, and today’s sacrificial lamb, The House with a Clock in Its Walls. It’s not that these films are bad; in fact I find them superior to standard horror these days; it’s just that they seem to tread the fine line between something scary and something fun without actually landing squarely on either side. If there were more than two or three films like this a year, I’d grow tired of them very quickly.
Lewis Barnavelt (Owen Vaccaro) is new to the orphan game. He’s a pretty well-adjusted orphan if you ask me; it’s not every kid who loses his parents and blithely takes a bus to Upper Nowheresville, man, to live with a relative he doesn’t know. Was this a thing in 1955? When you lost your parents, did they stick you on a bus? Forgive me, but I prefer a good coddling to: “Sucks to be you; here’s your bus ticket.” If that makes me a snowflake, let winter come forever. In New Zebedee, Michigan, the be-goggled ten-year-old is met by his Uncle Jonathan (Black) wearing a kimono as an overcoat for no reason known to man nor beast. Was that a thing in 1955? Were you supposed to meet your newly orphaned nephew at a bus station while wearing something completely foreign, confusing, and mildly inappropriate?
Turns out, Uncle Jonathan is a mediocre warlock, which doesn’t explain the kimono (maybe the book covers that. I forget). The film lets us know in painful detail that a warlock is a “boy witch,” which -in turn- is like a low-cal manwich – see, I told you, horror lite. It is just a matter of time before the introverted Lewis wants in on the magic stuff, and pretty soon he, Uncle Jonny, and their neighbor-formerly-known-as-wiccan Florence (Cate Blanchett) makeup a three-person Hogwarts in The House with a Clock in Its Walls.
As it turns out, the mansion-like house has a ton of clocks on its walls. The titular clock, however, is somewhere in the walls and playing a great game of sardines. Apparently, the thing is impossible to find despite the fact that it’s a clock and it makes a loud ticking noise constantly. We’re going to chalk that up to magic. Quite frankly, there’s something shady about the whole setup if you ask me. In this film, we get benevolent Black, the version who is above reproach, sorta, but that doesn’t explain why he’s living in the same house as an ex-partner (Kyle MacLachlan) who died a year ago under suspicious circumstances. Look, just telling the facts as I see them – What’s the M.O.? Who stands to gain? Oh, this isn’t a murder mystery? Too bad; it might have made a good one.
Mostly, this film is about the kid and his personal introduction to isolation, bullies, two-faced jerks, and magic! The House with a Clock in Its Walls makes it appear that the latter can make up for all of the former, but life knows different. The best part of this picture is the Potter-like wonderment of magical introduction – a stained glass window with a POV, an easy chair that behaves like a loyal puppy, an enchanted hedge that defecates moss. You just know Eli Roth wanted to make another Hostel but had to control himself into presenting a PG rated film. I would bet there was a ton of editing between storyboard stage and final product.
The House with a Clock in Its Walls wants to be that family fun Harry Potter ride. Sometimes it gets there. Often, it does not. I like the leads well enough to give the film a mild thumbs up, but there isn’t much to this picture. It isn’t terribly deep, insightful, scary, or fun. If you can get behind the problems of an orphaned 10-year-old -and most of us who have an empathy chip can- then you can waste an afternoon successfully. Truth be told, however, I’m hoping Goosebumps 2 will have a more of everything I just listed; it shouldn’t be too terribly difficult.
♪You showed me not much of a plot
It keeps on tickin’ if I like it or not
It’s been a year; I think you’re lazy
You say there’s magic in this crib
That don’t explain your noisy fib
It’s been a year; I think you’re lazy
You keep on poutin’, you’re up and aboutin’
I hear the clock ‘n’ bull all night, and nearly every day
I hear the clock ‘n’ bull all night, and nearly every day♫
Rated PG, 105 Minutes
Director: Eli Roth
Writer: Eric Kripke
Genre: We really wanna be a summer blockbuster … or, you know, a Halloween classic. Either is good
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Introverts
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Parents of kids who are too young for the undead
♪ Parody Inspired by “Rock and Roll All Nite”
