So scientists capture The Predator and announce, “It has human DNA!” Wait a sec. Have you just admitted that this is a guy in a Halloween costume? Because the only thing that has human DNA is –wait for it- a human. Yeah, that’s gonna shock a lot of you, I know.
The saddest part of this film is it actually had a chance. Truth be told, I didn’t even like the Arnold Schwarzenegger Predator origin story in the 1980s, so I see this as a bit of a revelation. Yes, I believe there was enough here, silly as it was, to make an enjoyable film. Let me see if I can identify the wormhole where The Predator missed the interstellar boat:
Army sniper Quinn McKenna (Boyd Holbrook) is out on a snipe hunt when an alien ship crash lands. Finding some Predator bling, he ships it back home to his spectrum child (Jacob Tremblay, who is only 12 yet already type-casts as “handle with care”). Both soldier and Predator are subsequently captured and “observed.” The Predator is declared human by scientists while Quinn is put on the army short bus with an assortment of mixed nuts.
Now I know that doesn’t sound like a winner, but I quite enjoyed the interplay among the water dance or asylum of loons. Quinn is easily accepted into their ranks for his ability to tell a story no one believes about an alien (and his ability to take a “yo momma” joke). At this point, I was more-or-less with the film. And then came the first hint that the screenplay had ventured into the southern constellations as the asylum started battling the army and not the hostile alien. So, terrific, now you have an A-Team with two Hannibals and five Murdocks.
My second clue that this film was stupid occurred when Predator dogs showed up. Oh look, Predator Fido has a little Rasta thing going, too? Who brings guard dogs on interstellar travel? “In the car, boy! In the car! We’re gonna take a trip!” And then there was super Predator (he can sexually harass eight women at once!) who showed up as the “next rung in Predator evolution,” which is done by taking DNA from other cultures. Yeah, that isn’t how DNA works, nor evolution. I suppose it did, however, explain the generous waste of bullets in the second half of the film? What’s the point of continuing to shoot anything that can withstand bullets? By the time the Climate Change argument came around, yeah, I was done with my own Pretendor routine; this film has some entertaining moments, but it bites.
I’m trying to understand this clearly – a rogue Predator has come to Earth to help us out with Climate Change. Did I hear that correctly? Oh, so this guy is pro-human? Is that why it killed all the soldiers upon arrival and then slaughtered all the doctors in the army lab? Ugly green Marshawn Lynch actually comes in peace and bears gifts, does he? After that, I’d love to rationalize the idea that there’s an alien culture who knows us so well that it knows our planet and dominant life form is headed for self-destruction … so it wants to help us out, sure … but it gives the planet-saving technology to the one advanced culture on Earth that doesn’t believe in Climate Change?! Want to make sure Climate Change is ignored? Let the Americans handle it; we’ll file it in the giant warehouse with the lost ark.
Well, geez, what do I expect from the franchise that invented metric time:
The Aztec calendar was metric based on multiples of ten. I’m guessing that the pyramid reconfigures every ten minutes. – Actual dialogue from Alien vs. Predator
I liked Quinn and his spectrum son and the fellows on the short bus. My guess is the director/writer liked them too because to a man these fellows stick around a lot longer than they ought to given the general Predator premise of “another scene, another corpse.” Was that enough to enjoy The Predator? Ask after you’ve fed Predator Rex.
♪One job
One charge
Let’s go to gather those Earthlings, all right
Hear the Earthmen crying (one job!)
Hear the Earthmen sighing (one charge!)
Give tech and skillz to the Earth and it will be all right
Let’s solve your issues it will be all right
Let’s go to create some of this holey Armagiddyon (one job!)
Dismember Man, whoops I forget the plan (one charge!)
Have pity on those whose lives go asunder
There is no killing those who are already dead♫
Rated R, 107 Minutes
Director: Shane Black
Writer: Fred Dekker & Shane Black (“Black & Dekker,” seriously?)
Genre: Don’t like established sci-fi tropes? Make up something else
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Predator hounds
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody with a basic understanding of science
♪ Parody Inspired by “One Love”
