What a mess. What an underwhelming, underdeveloped, underachieving, yet disgustingly overproduced mess. The business story is not uncommon: simply put, the project got funding while the plan was still in the draft stage. It’s not the worst thing that can happen in business. Not by a long shot. But you generally want to fund complete ideas and not partial ones; the results can be fatal.
While the first collection of Fantastic Beasts left me bemused-yet-empty, this set needed to be put out to pasture. It was hard to know or care what was going on in this sequel, and by the middle of the film, my mind actively questioned if this is what Harry Potter films feel like to people who haven’t read the books. Speaking of the books, great Gonagally McGonagally, J.K. Rowling wrote this? Huh. I guess that answers the question, “Is there anything she can’t do?”
I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s get back to my fav jazz trio Newt
and his Scamanders. You’ll remember from the first movie that there was this guy named Newt (Eddie Redmayne) who had a serious animal fetish. And you’ll remember … no, that’s it, really. That’s all I remember from the first film. Doesn’t matter, this film seems to be about the evil omnipotent world-conquering wizard Grindelwald (Johnny Depp), joining his place among the flagellant freak from Da Vinci Code and bunny-eyed chloroform dude from Foul Play in the pantheon of albino villains. Contrary, the mild Newt is again joined by his comic relief, Jacob (Dan Fogler). Dan Fogler might have had a place in a comic magic film; but lining him opposite 1920s Lord Voldemort seems pointless, like a gerbil battling a steam roller.
Grindelwald begins the film by breaking out of custody in an exciting chase scene where no one is being chased. As the carriage frolic is 65% joy and 35% “what’s going on?” this opening qualifies, unfortunately, as the best part of the film. Back at a ministry of magic (there are three separate ministries of magic in the film for all you bureaucracy fans), Newt’s brother Caecilian? Diplocaulus? no “Theseus” (?!) Scamander (Callum Turner) implores him to play nice with the aurors and he will get his passport back. Newt’s just not that guy. However, that didn’t stop him from traveling abroad anyway, and encountering several women who may or may not be femme fatales: Leta Lestrange (Zoë Kravitz), Queenie Goldstein (Alison Sudol), Tina Goldstein (Katherine Waterston), and Nagini (Claudia Kim).
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, a young Albus Dumbledore (Jude Law) sees the Grindelwald danger, but chooses to
act by proxy. See, he and Grindelwald made a blood oath (or whatever the kids were calling it in the 19th century) years ago not to harm one another, but that isn’t gonna stop them from being puppet masters. Also, the story seems to include a mystery man among a traveling grift, Credence (Ezra Miller), whose Clearwater Revival will wake only the most desperate of souls.
Now, how do all these characters fit together? Hell if I know; I tuned out during Leta’s extended Hogwarts memory. It’s bad enough we revisit a Hogwarts which is 100% irrelevant to this film, but then Leta starts having flashbacks … and her boggart reminisce prompts what appears to be a flashback in a flashback in an aside in an irrelevance. What is this, Potter-ception?
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald had some lovely pieces: Depp as the Trump-hate-rally Right Wing-master, Young Dumbledore professing Law to the kids, and some truly fantastic CGI creatures. And yet this film seemed less a cohesive guide into shaping the Potter’s clay and more a collection of storyless storyboards filled with empty rhetoric and spurious motivations. By the end of the film, I couldn’t tell you who it was meant for, why it was made, or what –even- were Grindelwald’s crimes. Potter fans like me are better served by pretending the Hogwarts world ended at book 7, period.
♪That’s all I flaunted
Something specious, something wicked
At one time
For a semester
My plans bold and naked
Were sublime
Sometimes I think that I’ll never
Exonerate me
Maybe if I defeat Riddle
Then they can be
I will be your Potter figure
(Oh baby)
Put your children’s faith in me
(Dumbledore!)
I will be Professor guesser
(Be your guru)
Make Hogwarts safe as can be
(Yeah, right)
I will be your Potter figure
(Why him, dude?)
Living down my heinous crime
(Good luck, sir)
I think I can do it if
I have enough time♫
Rated PG-13, 134 Minutes
Director: David Yates
Writer: J.K. Rowling
Genre: Fantastic beasts and not-so-fantastic beasts
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dumbledorologists
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: The disappointed and confused masses
♪ Parody Inspired by “Father Figure”
