Has Lisbeth Salander become the Willy Loman for young actresses? Is this the new thing in acting school? “Get up there and show us your Lisbeth?” I suppose it’s a step up from Juliet or Lady MacBeth, doncha think? Lisbeth gets to crack heads from time to time; with high-tech brilliance and kick-boxing fury, she’s a little like what would happen if Terminators came in “petite.” Back to the original thesis, however, Claire Foy joins Rooney Mara and Noomi Rapace as big screen Lisbeths and while the face has changed, the basics have not – Lisbeth Salander is a leather-bound, ill-tempered, aggressive sociopath, but in a really good way.
It takes The Girl in the Spider’s Web: A New Dragon Tattoo Story (can I just say “Spider’s Web” from now on? Thanks) no time at all to establish who Lisbeth is. She puts on Halloween ghoul makeup, breaks into a wife-abusing zillionaire’s luxury flat, strings him up by the … feet … and gives away all his cash. We don’t even meet the poor bastard, but we know by his wife’s black eye that he deserves it. The best part of the Dragon Tattoo genre is the strong sense of comeuppance … no matter how untouchable the bad guys seem, once they start hurting women, Lisbeth will come for them, talons extended.
Untouchable is the operating word when the next plot point happens; Lisbeth is asked to steal a universal nuclear code launching program from the NSA – hah! Jokes on you, Swedish Nightmare, I’m told most of the US nukes are still in silos and controlled by floppy disc technology; good luck controlling those. Now, much as I wish to believe in the power of Lisbeth’s hacking skills, I really and truly hope it takes more than five minutes of key-strokin’ foreplay to extract what you want out the NSA. I don’t like what the NSA does much more than the next liberal over, but I sure hope there’s top-notch security there, because what the NSA can do shouldn’t be enjoyed by anybody.
Of course, if computer issues were ever a problem, we wouldn’t have a movie. Wouldn’t it be funny, tho, just once, if Lisbeth had some of the standard “it’s not your fault, it just happens” computer problems that we all have? I.e. something won’t load, printer jam, slow internet, or the computer just up and freezes. You can know exactly why these things happen and still have them happen anyway. Again, I guess this stuff doesn’t make much of a movie.
When you get international security, the NSA, and Russian mobsters involved, an action film is bound to happen. And, indeed, an action film does happen, an exciting one, far as I could tell. I saw Spider’s Web in –roughly- 20-30 minute installments during a film festival and I always returned wanting more, wanting to know the outcome of the last exciting scene. Yeah, I don’t really buy that Lisbeth can take some sort of paralysis drug during a bathroom melee, yet immediately counter it with the contents of a medication-filled sink basket. But that didn’t make the chase scene any less exciting. And where the heck does a computer hacker learn to stunt drive an expensive sports car in snow, anyway?
Oh, there’s a question I need answering – is it always winter in Sweden? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Lisbeth when there wasn’t snow outside. It makes you wonder if she’d melt if the sun ever came out.
In the Trump era, the MAGA empowered trolls have been merciless to feminist-oriented film, often shredding it in ratings and reviews, sight unseen. Yes, this happens. A lot. If I had to pick out any one film that the Alt-Right would choose to destroy, I’d pick this one which advertises itself almost entirely on taking abusive alpha males down a notch. And yet, it’s clear from the reviews that “normal” viewers and reviewers have been the major contributors to the So So Salanderia. Hence, it’s up to me to set the record straight for all y’all – this was a fun film. A little far-fetched; a little hard to watch (but you knew that from the Stieg Larsson source material), but definitely exciting. I don’t think that Claire Foy adds anything to the Lisbeth legend, but she doesn’t have to; this character is now an icon for any pissed off feminist hacker. Regardless of portrayer, I hope the screen never tires of her the way it has never tired of James Bond.
For all those who fail the women they screw
You’ll bid your contentment “adieu”
Don’t mess with this hacker
A venomous tracker
She’ll give your “Dragon” a brand new Tattoo
Rated R, 117 Minutes
Director: Fede Alvarez
Writer: Jay Basu & Fede Alvarez and Steven Knight
Genre: The Nutcracker Swede
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Blue wave trench fighters
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Misogynists
