You realize, of course, that without the wonderful Tchaikovsky score, the story of The Nutcracker is a bizarre and disturbing nightmare … a tale equally as comforting to children at Christmastime as Barbarella or The Babadook.
Disney circumvented the “source material is a piece of crap” issue by giving the thing a brand new rewrite and then tag-teaming notable directors Lasse Hallström and Joe Johnston, figuring at least one of them might know what he was doing. I suppose, in way, this is quite a coup – I can’t determine which director took which part (although I have some guesses), so each of these guys can point to the other if a scene goes south. The only real issue is if the entire picture is terrible. Uh oh.
It is Christmas Eve in the semi-suburban outskirts of New LondonYork and teen Clara (Mackenzie Foy) has just received the present of a combination puzzle box/Faberge egg from her mom. The thing is, her mom is dead. Instead of being impressed that her mother has managed to send her a Christmas present beyond the grave, the snotty little shit has the temerity to complain that she can’t get the thing open.
Luckily, every upper crust movie teen destined to be a model has a kindly, eccentric, inventive, and filthy rich grandfather-type of some sort and Clara has decided to duck out on the ball-like Christmas waltz to go visit her version, Drosselmeyer (Morgan Freeman). The two talk shop –cuz, you know, what turn-of-the-century teenage girl doesn’t know more about electronics than Thomas Edison? And then Dross drops da bomb: “Go get your presents, kids.” The Nutcracker of the Four Realms is sporadically clever as in this moment where the garden veranda yields dozens of stringed radii, each bearing a different child’s name and each extending beyond the structure and wending its individual journey all over the house; it’s quite a shame Drosselmeyer took all that trouble to handwrap lumps of coal, huh?
Turns out that Clara’s string leads to Steampunk Narnia, or whatever they’re calling it for this picture, a magical land of silly where her mother was -apparently- a despot, making Clara a … wait for it … Disney princess!! Dudes, you didn’t want to cash in on that Halloween costume? No? Aw, what does Disney know about marketing, anyway?
Without going too much into it, Clara still can’t collect the key to that damn egg, but does manage to be slowed down by the title character, The Nutcracker (Jayden Fowora-Knight), who’s really just a bridge sentry with a bad make-up job. And eventually, Clara meets Mother Ginger (Helen Mirren) and Sugar Plum Fairy (Keira Knightley) as her introduction to the Four Realms: Sugar … Salty … Sour … Bitter (and a new subtle 5th realm “Umami” which can’t be detected by all people). For all the clever to this film, it is still just a new take on a really bad story about overprivileged little German snotmongers … and with only a hint of the Tchaikovsky score.
It takes a fair amount of nerve to release a Christmas film two days after Halloween. This ain’t retail. You aren’t making a peanut butter Santa in August, sticking it in the aisle when you take down the ghost decoration and then await the poor sucker who thinks the appearance of fresh is the same thing as actual fresh; this is the movies. And releasing a Christmas movie on November 2 kind of assumes there’s enough there to last eight full weeks. There isn’t. This picture kept me amused for the most part, but don’t pretend there’s anything here that’s a must see. Some of you will leave the theater with the same nausea you had after viewing Toys. I have no doubt some theatres will fall asleep at the wheel or re-release for a Christmas-only showing, but if The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is still is the top 10 US box office by St. Lucy’s Day, I’ll eat an entire crèche set, Wise Men and all.
♪I got a present and it’s hard for me
To open it up without the blasted key
I asked Herr Meyer and he let me down
He had me chasin’ that thing all over town
And I,
Followed a rodent to this Narnia
And now you’re dissin’? Hey, come at me, bruh
Yeah, it don’t matter if I run you through
You’ll stand there blockin’ til my face turns blue
Gotta cross over this bridge to follow Jerry
My hopes go down the drain
I’ve an idea your “Nutcracker” title’s misleadin’
Against the grain
You deliver the pain
Why do you have to be a Ball Breaker?
Is this some douche-y power trip for you?
Gotta lose all these obstructions pullin’ asunder
My treasure new♫
Rated PG, 99 Minutes
Director: Lasse Hallström, Joe Johnston
Writer: Ashleigh Powell
Genre: Monthly Disney cash-in
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who enjoys The Nutcracker for the story. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Authors of more deserving children’s literature
♪ Parody Inspired by “Heart Breaker”
