You can worship at the shrine of Iron Man. You can have the world’s greatest collection of comic books. You can own collector’s editions of every Marvel film. But you’ll never truly know the joy of a superhero film until you see its foreign language counterpart.
I wasn’t prepared for superhero Roy Orbison. Who is? I could possibly get behind super Katy Perry, super John Mellencamp, or even super DJ Jazzy Jeff, but super Roy Orbison? Uh uh. I’d sooner root for the Hindi version of Iron Barry Manilow. I’m getting ahead of myself; Hindi Roy doesn’t even show for half the film; he’s being retooled.
An ornithologist (Akshay Kumar) decides suicide isn’t for the birds and hangs himself at a cell tower. Meanwhile, in another film, cell phones start misbehaving all on their own. They fly up in the air and attack like birds might, if birds actually behaved the way they do in The Birds. I can’t fault the message being delivered here: don’t trust your cell phone, it’s evil. Not sure what that has to do with birds exactly, but the part where your cell phone can’t be trusted should be clear. Before long, all the phones get together, form a huge metal bird, and attack the city. I would have guessed this was some kind of raptor, but wiki says it’s a giant crow. Ummmm … ok.
When the police and officials turn useless, it’s time to get super robot Chitti (Rajinikanth) back in action. I know you’re not going to believe me, which is why I brought pictures. Chitti looks like a Hindi Roy Orbison. If that’s not silly enough, Chitti kinda moves like Roy Orbison, too. Do you see, America? This is what you get when you bend reality. When we pretend it is possible for Ian McKellen to be an action hero, literally anybody can assume the position. I know you’ll say, “but it looks believable when Ian McKellen does it.” Yes, it does. Thanks to editors, stunt men, and graphics. But supposed you lived in a world in which all of those things were C+/B- instead of A-/A? What if Ian McKellen really looked like Ian McKellen when he ran a guy through with a sword? You see what I’m getting at, right?
The culmination of this idiocy occurs in a soccer stadium where Hindi Roy Orbison battles it out with Hindi Christopher Lee in a ridiculous bird costume. Why yes, the addition of Hindi Christopher Lee suddenly makes this a lot more believable. I just love the part where Roy turns himself into a magnet, compelling every rifle in the place to zoom his way. Then he makes himself into a rifle ball and shoots everywhere to kill all the bird/cell phones. Ummmm, you know there are innocent people here, right? Like thousands of them. And the “good guy” is shooting bullets indiscriminately in all directions. Is this what you guys think of American superhero films? Is this all parody or commentary not necessarily on cell phone obsession, but on the current genre of American hero films? If so, well played, India. If not, yeesh; you should really rethink this thing.
♪Pretty stupid, this hero of metal
Pretty stupid, go get some Geritol
Pretty stupid, I don’t believe this, this hero, yawn
Will he next yell, “get off my lawn!?”
Mercy
Pretty stupid, it’s a comic jest
Pretty stupid, ignore my distressed
Pretty stupid, I beseech you let me be
Think it’s your nap time, don’t bother me♫
Not Rated, 148 Minutes
Director: S. Shankar
Writer: Jayamohan, Lakshmi Saravanakumar, S. Shankar, Abbas Tyrewala
Genre: Imitation is the sincerest form of damnation
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Roy Orbison
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Christopher Lee
♪ Parody Inspired by “Pretty Woman”
