Thank the Lord for low expectations. After seeing the trailer, easily the worst of the 2018 holiday season, I had neither hope nor belief that Mortal Engines would stir in me anything but contempt. So when it clocked the meter in the “Above Contempt” range, well say! You’ve made my weekend. Well, sorta.
London is on the move. Not figuratively, literally. Seems to have trimmed a bit. Why it’s not even as wide as the Thames these days, but it makes up for it by having road games. Actually, I have no idea how big this roving cockney block is; the idea is London is now a giant tank, either the size of several city blocks or maybe a whole square mile depending on which shot they use. The tracks it leaves behind suggests it’s the size and weight of one of those huge cruise ships. Talk about your upward mobility. In fact, London is now more machine than man, twisted and evil. Neither metonym nor synecdoche are necessary. The hyperbolic misleading language of the sporting world (i.e. “Oakland routed New York”) doesn’t apply at all. In this future dystopia, when London swallows Salzhaken whole, that’s no exaggeration.
Worth note that this is a future in which the Earth has been trashed so badly, only museums remember snippets of the age we live in. Luckily, a “land bridge” allowed London to get off its heels and get on its wheels. England’s loss is the world’s gain or would be if London weren’t such a dick. All London desires is playing Borg-town where it gobbles up and assimilates all the other little block-like cities. Salzhaken’s scar-faced bad girl, Hester (Hera Hilmar) embraces the capture cuz it gives her a chance to assassinate Lord Elrond (Hugo Weaving) … a chance she blows thanks to poor aim and the goody-goodiness of docent slacker Tom (Robert Sheehan). Naturally, both are kicked off the good ship Londonpop so they can survive in what qualifies as the wasteland, which honestly doesn’t look so bad.
Now, it’s a good thing Lord Elrond, who goes by “Thaddeus Valentine” in these piece of Peter Jackson excrement, doesn’t kill our li’l pals, cuz otherwise, we’d have no story. And we’d never meet Hester’s Fairy Godmonster or Steampunk Yoko Ono. You know what? Feel free to tune out anything in this movie. The nearest comparison I can find is Warcraft, a film I wouldn’t watch again in a bet. I don’t think Mortal Engines is that bad, but you start off knowing that whatever happens, you know Hugo Weaving is behind it, because he’s the only name in the cast and then the climax is paced by two Star Wars plot points and a Lord of the Rings plot point. Well, at least you’re borrowing your own crap here, Jackson 4 (Jackson and frequent collaborators Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, and today’s unucky director Christian Rivers).
Mortal Engines isn’t a good film, but I did like it better then The Mule. Your results may vary.
There once was a girl from Salzhaken
Who chose Lord Elrond for some stalkin’
Better wait on that fame
This film crashed in flame
Better hope opportunity’s twice knockin’
Rated PG-13, 128 Minutes
Director: Christian Rivers
Writer: Fran Walsh & Philippa Boyens & Peter Jackson (Hey! It’s the same team that wrote The Lovely Bones!)
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ummm, wasteland warrior princesses?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Hey, that’s Star Wars!”
