Boy, I wish I could learn more about this quixotic “Santa Claus” character, don’t you? Am I pronouncing that correctly? “SAN-ta?” If only there were ways of discovering more about his philosophy, origins, desires, general appearance, and emotional composition. Alas, perhaps I’ll never know. Luckily, a film has come along to instruct me, and at exactly the right time! Why it turns this person flies around the whole world on the night of December 24th delivering presents to all sorts of children. Who knew?
Yeah, it is time once again for movie companies to release Christmas films they hope we will watch as religiously as It’s A Wonderful Life, and the top candidate right now appears to be Aquaman, er, The Christmas Chronicles, in which Kris Kringle-Plisskin (Kurt Russell) takes over the reins as the holiday’s most beloved b&e felon.
The particular sob story of this endeavor is the Pierces, a mom (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), son (Judah Lewis), and daughter (Darby Camp), who lost dad to –hmmm, what’s a tragedy at this time of year?—let’s just say eggnog poisoning. (Actually, he was a firefighter lost in the line of duty; I don’t wish to diminish firefighters, just cheesy plots.) In the year since, mom has thrown herself into work, Kate has thrown herself into nostalgia, and Teddy has thrown himself into delinquency. Wistfully reflecting upon Christmas past, Kate studies a taped eve and discovers an off-screen hand leaving presents inspiring a plan to capture all of Santa on tape this year – because, seriously, no kid has ever had that plan, ever.
Santa arrives, of course, and conveniently loiters about their New England neighborhood long enough for Kate and Teddy to stow away in Santa’s sleigh and subsequently screw with Christmas. By the time the chaos has settled, Santa, the sleigh, and the humans are lost in Chicago, while the reindeer are at Wrigley Field, the toys are in Sears Tower, and Santa’s magic hat is currently topping The Bean. Can the three find deer, toys, and hat in time to save Christmas? Well, duh, it’s a Christmas film.
Kurt Russell plays more of an action hero type of Santa, not quite beating up bad guys or anything, but asserting himself in situations. The best part of films like this is watching Santa employ what he knows … and he knows everything including every toy every kid ever requested for Christmas. For a guy who literally knows everybody, however, Santa Plissken is hopelessly daft at blending in, which is where the kids come in.
So this version of the Santa story came with some of the usual goofiness: elves, endless toybag, reindeer using downtown Chi-town as a launching pad plus some not-so-standard goofiness: Santa stealing a Dodge Challenger and singing a Christmas blues riff with full band while in police lock up. The riff is the highlight of the movie which is a darn shame because it’s a complete anomaly not only to the Santa canon, but the entire rest of the picture. This means, essentially, that there’s little to make this film stand out among literally a hundred different Christmas themed choices.
The Christmas Chronicles was amiable and had its heart in the right place, so, fine, enjoy. Congratulations, you “win” this Christmas, sort of. Your ability to coax Teddy and Kate from the dark side with the help of Snake Santa escaping from Chicago may well prove the best new Christmas film of 2018. Sucks for you, Nutcracker; go stick it in each of your Four Realms. However, I would guess this is also the last Christmas won by this film. I don’t see there being great reason to watch The Christmas Chronicles more than once, which, in turn, makes it both success and failure. You’re gonna have to put me on both lists, Kringle.
♪You better not spout, you better not pry
You better find out an IT supply
Santa Claus is getting Netflix
He’s rating some films just like you do
Giving five stars to Waterworld 2
Santa Claus is getting Netflix
He leaves it when he’s sleeping
He’s glued when he’s awake
He doesn’t care what’s bad or good
So long as those Brits bake
Oh! You better not scorn that Necromancer
He’s gonna pop corn and watch with Prancer
Santa Claus is getting Netflix♫
Rated TV-14, 104 Minutes
Director: Clay Kaytis
Writer: Matt Lieberman
Genre: Attempted classic
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Christmas crackers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who cannot accept that The Santa Clause has now been replaced successfully
♪ Parody Inspired by “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
