There’s a galling chutzpah in producing a Transformers spin-off. Sure, it’s only Rotten Tomatoes’ certified worst current franchise in production, but let’s learn more about these characters we hate. How could you sell any director on the idea that this is art? Enhancing the minutiae of the worst repeated Hollywood ideas, you have to ask yourself, “Where does this trend go from here?”
Theodore: A Chipmunk Goes Solo
Hockey Mask, the Legend of Jason’s Headgear
Disturbing Cycling Clown Puppet, from the makers of Saw
Paddle Speaks! A Fifty Shades of Grey story
Team Jacob
Don’t tell those Twilight jerks about that last one; those jokers will make it in a vampire’s heartbeat.
Luckily for me, Bumblebee is the most personable of the big, dumb robotic Transformers … which is kind of like being the best human in the Trump cabinet. Still, there’s potential here. The film begins with Bumblebee’s exile to Earth during the Clone Wars or whatever. After a battle that takes out army dude John Cena, Bumblebee loses his voice box in a transplanted robo-scuffle. Does anybody question why robots from outer space wage wars and speak English? Maybe next spin-off.
Bottom line is after getting beaten with an ugly carbon rod, Bumblebee transfoms himself into a VW Bug and goes into hiding until Santa Cruz “teen” Charlie (Hailee Steinfeld) needs a ride. At this point, the film essentially becomes E.T.: Shy alien befriends young student, learns human empathy, gets drunk, even dies and pulls a Jesus just like E.T. Hey, you douchebags forgot the Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and lest ye think E.T. was the only film Bumblebee borrowed generously from, I encourage anybody who watched Bee to check out the opening credits to Foul Play, where Goldie Hawn drives a yellow VW bug along the San Francisco Bay Area coast line. Change the rag-top to solid and this could be, in places, the exact same film, especially when it transforms into Dudley Moore.
The best part of this inner mediocrity sandwiched by mechanical masturbatory violence is exactly the part which is not Transformers in the least – a girl getting to know her robot. It’s cute when Bumblebee is scared of Charlie. It’s cute when a mute beast the size of a Volkswagen plays hide-and-seek on the beach. It’s cute when Bumblebee learns to communicate by dialing up radio stations – wait, how is Bumblebee’s outer space technology exactly aligned to a Volkswagen car radio? Don’t ask. Is any of this enough to recommend this film? Sorry, no.
Yes, this is probably the best Transformers movie. Question is: Are you that desperate to have a Transformers movie not suck out loud that you’re willing to call this quality? Cuz … c’mon. The scenes that aren’t about Hailee Steinfeld require CGI robots and the acting skills of John Cena to be entertaining. There are a fair number of scenes that can be described thusly. Sorry, I need just a tad more to consider myself entertained.
♪This Bot had a name, twas Bumblebee
And we called it to its “face”
When he Rubiksed into a metal hombre
What would you do if they morphed into a mere suggestion?
And yeah, yeah, Bot’s OK
And yeah, yeah, Bot hey, hey
And yeah, yeah, yeah, what a film!
What if Bot were one of us? ♫
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
Director: Travis Knight
Writer: Christina Hodson
Genre: Big dumb robot fights
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Big dumb misunderstood robots
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who has suffered a Transformers film against their will
♪ Parody Inspired by “One of Us”
