In the 1970s, we called this bionics. We even had two TV shows to guide us through the world of bionics. When I was a kid, this robo-human gig was cool stuff. To tell the truth, it still is cool. In retrospect, I wonder if this were a Hollywood coup to make disabled Vietnam vets more accessible. That doesn’t sound like Hollywood, but altruism can come from strange places. Today’s hero is not a veteran, but a Loser. What is the Japanese word for “zero?”
I’ve now seen over a dozen Japanese films in the past two years and I’m a little appalled at how poorly marginal workers are treated. Are you guys all right? After getting the lateral shuffle (it’s like twerking, but for old people) in his job, Ichiro Inuyashiki (Noritake Kinashi) comes home to the least loving family a man can imagine. Unsupportive families also seem to be a theme in Japan these days; are you sure you guys aren’t American? And it’s not just that his wife and children don’t like dad, they don’t even respect him. Imagine, for instance, you discovered that your father was a pedophile and you get the level of disrespect here. Ouch, right?
In a move I associate with suicidal teens, Inuyashiki takes in a stray dog. His wife ain’t pleased, so he kinda has to hide it and, on a whim, walks to a public park where aliens abduct him. When he wakes the next morning, he has a robot body and intolerance for salt. He doesn’t realize this until his arm transforms into a mini howitzer and spews breakfast on the wall. Well, this is fun. What would you do with your robot body? Inuyashiki decides it’s time to do some good.
Now that’s great, cuz also on that park bench was Nijirō Murakami (Takeru Satoh), who was also abducted and cyberborged has decided the best uses of his new robophalanx are vengeance and personal gain. Now, at first, Nijirō just goes after internet trolls, which is awesome. I’m all like, “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, trolls suck.” But then the play turns deeper and darker. Nijirō starts going after anybody he chooses and, well, his powers are awesome … much better than stupid Inuyashiki’s. Nijirō can spot you on your web cam, and put a bullet in your head solely by internet connection. Yes, yes, I hear you, “how is that possible?” It isn’t. Even given these silly parameters, but hey! You accepted aliens. You accepted a guy who woke up as a robot without knowing it. You accepted a Japan where losers aren’t committing suicide. So you have to buy this stupidity, too.
Speaking of stupid, this sloppy screenplay is all over the map. What seemed like a pretty good premise quickly devolves into quasi-hero robo-gramps chasing after mass-murdering Japanese Voldemort. At one point, Inuyashiki’s daughter gets involved and in trying to save her, Inuyashiki treats the audience to five full minutes of shouting his daughter’s name. As the person I saw this film with said, “Is that how the screenplay reads? Just an entire page full of ‘Mari … Mari … Mari …?’ “
I really wanted to love this film. It’s easy to feel worthless; hence, getting behind the hero is effortless. We want this middle-aged milquetoast to become Robocop or whatever. But a good premise is wasted on poor execution. By the end, it became much more worthwhile to remember that all of this is, thankfully, fiction.
♪Look at what I get to be
Might have just peed on myself
I went to bed just a normal loser
Now I’m a robot, top shelf
Believe it or not
This isn’t my hair
I never thought I could blast a tree
Fighting badass, you just better beware
And yet the fam still hates me♫
Not Rated, 127 Minutes
Director: Shinsuke Sato
Writer: Hiroshi Hashimoto
Genre: The Greatest American Japanese Hero
Person most likely to enjoy this film: Middle aged sad sacks
Person least likely to enjoy the film: Kids holding out for decent Manga adaptations
♪ Parody Inspired by “Theme to The Greatest American Hero”
