The important thing is not that there are multiple or parallel universes containing Spider-Men, Spider-Women, or Spider-Et Cetera. The important thing is that with an infinite number of universes, there will be at least one where you are Spider-Man. Oh yeah, somewhere in time and space, Spider-Frog is kickin’ ass, takin’ names, and sneakin’ in with reckless abandon. And it is important for all my readers to know that even in the distant and barely-knowable Spider-Frog universe, Twilight still sucks.
Miles Morales (voice of Shameik Moore) is your average highly-intelligent, world-is-scary, parent-embarrassed teen. Goaded into delinquency by Uncle BadExample (Mahershala Ali), he paints a beautiful mural that, among the forbidden depths of the city sewers, no one will ever see. And while doing so, he gets bitten by a radioactive spider, granting Miles similar powers to his hero, Spider-Man (Jake Johnson).
Hold up. “Peter Parker?” “Miles Morales?” Are radioactive spiders only attracted to alliteration?
So what do you do when you have super powers that you don’t know how to use? It takes no time at all for the kid to find trouble. Returning to spider-bite central, Miles happens upon a comic book melee involving the real Spider-Man, some costumed henchmen, and Wilson Fisk (Liev Schreiber), a villain roughly the size and shape of the box your refrigerator arrived in. Oh, and there’s an active proton accelerator acting as a dimensional pathway so Fisk can be reunited with his wife, daughter, and whatever reality he prefers. Does he not know that he’s taking them away from some other Wilson Fisk? You just made a powerful enemy, pal.
In the action that follows, Spider-Man dies. Don’t worry, nature hates a vacuum. Young Peter Parker is quickly replaced by middle-age crisis Spider-Man, a visitor through the alternate-universe portal. Oh, it’s Peter Parker, all right, but a vision 20 years into the future where he’s divorced, depressed, and nursing a beer gut. But that’s not all! Tell them what else has come through the portal, Johnny! Why there’s (Wikipedia informs me) Spider-Woman aka “Gwanda” (Hailee Steinfeld), Spider-Man Noir (Nicolas Cage), Spider-Ham (John Mulaney), and the Japanese futuristic Spider-Team of Peni Parker (Kimiko Glenn) and her robot, SP//dr.
Basically, somewhere in the middle of the film, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse becomes a special spider-themed episode of “Drawn Together.” (“Spun Together?”) Now I’m never gonna remember their real names, so here’s how I saw these superfriends: Hmmm, lessee, there’s Spider-Kid, Old Man Spider, FYNC Spider-Man, Spider-Pig (Clearly stolen from “The Simpsons” universe), La Femme Webita, and Ider-spay-Anime.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when there are six of us, I do believe.
And this is when an already fun movie gets even better. I mean, the point of this adventure is for Miles Morales to get his life on track, and now he has the whole Shazam gang to help him mature and fight crime and stuff. But the film knows exactly how silly the scene is and enjoys telling us about it as much as we enjoy seeing it. I am quite baffled as to what Spider-Pig contributes to the collective efforts of nurturing and crime-fighting, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see the Spider-Pig (sorry, “Spider-Ham”) movie. Arguably the best ride in the 2018 movie park, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is packed to the exo-skeleton with action, amusement, and Easter Eggs. If there’s one film I need to see more than once this year, it’s this one.
♪Spider-Men, Spider-Men
Alternate universe Spider-Men
Make sure you get the hyphen
Wait a sec, not all “men”
Look out, here comes the Spider-Them
From DeMille to knight, they’re transcending all time
First a rift, then some light, here they are in my clime
Spider-Them, Spider-Them
Everyone’s neighborhood Spider-Them
Their own peeps have been ignored
Alt Doc Ock is pretty bored
Come back! I need my Spider-Them♫
Rated PG, 117 Minutes
Director: Bob Persichetti, Peter Ramsey, Rodney Rothman
Writer: Phil Lord & Rodney Rothman
Genre: Delightfully incomprehensible
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, Spider-Child, Spider-Miscellaneous, and science nerds galore
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: If you don’t like superhero films in the first place, mixing them with sci-fi is probably not gonna do much for ya
♪ Parody Inspired by “Spider-Man Theme”
