Memo to self: if the cat and dog start speaking English to you, it’s time to take your meds. It helps not one little bit that Mr. Whiskers is really into murder. Of course, you don’t have to murder just because The Voices closest to you say so, but for some people –apparently- that’s a tough sell.
A bad film based on a bad screenplay from a bad idea, The Voices explored the comic side of the Son of Sam scenario where a pet encourages mass murder. I can’t emphasize enough what a monumentally poor idea for a film this is, but it does make me wonder if dark comedies age well. My guess is somebody drew up the storyboards featuring Ryan Reynolds in a nifty pink jumpsuit and thought, “What a lark! We have to make this film.” No, you really didn’t have to.
Jerry (Reynolds) seems amiable enough, upbeat even. He lives in an apartment above an abandoned bowling alley with his dog, Bosco, and his cat, Mr. Whiskers. When Jerry fails to take his medication, his pets talk to him. Bosco is kind of a laid back good ol’ boy, while Mr. Whiskers is a Scottish psychopath. All of the animals in the film are voiced by Ryan Reynolds, btw, which –not unlike this film- displays a grandiose waste of talent. Jerry shows up at work in his adorable jumpsuit, which would make me a bit self-conscious as the non-warehouse people get to have normal office wear. I suppose that doesn’t matter. He has a crush on Fiona (Gemma Arterton) from accounting. Finally getting the nerve to indulge in office romance, a mistake even if you’re not off you meds, Jerry bucks up the nerve and asks Fiona out.
Up until this point, the film isn’t awful. It hasn’t said or done anything, so it’s kinda like a normal dude hanging out at a bus stop. And then, suddenly, the bus is on fire. Jerry gets stood up, which is shitty, and shittier still to anybody amiable. However, when Jerry takes his dejected retreat of shame, he sees Fiona has gotten caught in the rain. Willing to believe her horseshit excuse about not standing him up, Jerry picks her up and drifts along in blissful conversation dead-end land until he hits a deer. The suffering animal “talks” to Jerry, asking him to end its misery. Jerry produces a butcher’s knife and obliges. For some unknown reason, this action causes Fiona to panic. She races off into the woods and Jerry apologetically tracks her down while holding the knife. Five seconds later, Fiona is scrappled.
Now even if you have sympathy for Jerry, you have to ask why he had a butcher’s knife in his vehicle in the first place and why he insisted on running after Fiona while brandishing the implement. But none of those questions will matter at all when you see him drag the corpse back to his place and, with the cat’s whole-hearted approval, cut it up for Tupperware storage … keep those body parts fresh; they’ll last for days. Oh, except for the head; he chops that off at the neck and sticks it in the fridge; that way Fiona can remain in the film – although Ryan Reynolds doesn’t voice Fiona’s severed head. Awwwww.
Somewhere in the middle of this mess, I had a really good idea … why doesn’t Reynolds just voice and play every role in the film? Then when he commits murder, he is symbolically
killing himself – and that way, we can avoid keeping Gemma Arterton’s head in the fridge next to the Cool Whip, y’know what I’m sayin’? I mean, by the time we get to the next member of the accounting team, Anna Kendrick, this film has become painful in too many directions.
It’s important to remember that terrible movie choices like this one eventually led Reynolds to become my favorite superhero, Deadpool. That’s the only thing that can make this film tolerable for me. I wasn’t fan of the dark humor. I wasn’t a fan of whatever message there was here about dating and standing people up. I wasn’t a fan of Reynolds’ happy-go-lucky accidental murder routine. I did like The Voices … except for what they said, of course. This is a terrible film with lovely pink jumpsutis and very likable people in it. I wish that were enough for a film not to be terrible. It isn’t.
In keeping a cat, dog, fish, or fox
Be wary when opportunity knocks
For they don’t speak words
All of that is absurds!
And why can’t your pets help pick stocks?
Rated R, 103 Minutes
Director: Marjane Satrapi
Writer: Michael R. Perry
Genre: Bad decisions, from the greenlight stage forward
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who hope one day twenty years from now to run into either Ryan Reynolds or Anna Kendrick and say, “I even saw The Voices” to make them understand your level of obsequious devotion
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People with taste
