After witnessing this in-depth insight into the Nobel Prize ceremony, I have but one question: do Swedish children make a habit of b&e caroling on St. Lucie’s day? Is this part of Swedish culture? Do roving gangs of white-robed, candle-helmeted children constantly break into hotel rooms and serenade unsuspecting couples in their bedrooms every December? This is the world’s worst crime spree.
I’m getting ahead of myself. The Wife begins with a sexual encounter between Jonathan Pryce and Glenn Close. Well, a “sexual” encounter. The movie holds no illusion that such is a steamy affair between two veteran love-makers so much as a perfunctory bonk between a pleading old man and his begrudging spouse. Joe Castleman (Pryce) pushes with a “c’mon” and Joan Castleman (Close) eventually condescends, “oh, all right.” The silver screen cannot contain the burning hot passion! Then Joe begins this ritual by describing a younger, more virile man who is clearly not anywhere close to Jonathan Pryce. Buddy, we’re all with you; even the geezers next to me don’t actually wish to see Jonathan Pryce attempt sexual intercourse. Such provides the metaphor for the entirety of The Wife – whatever we show you, try to imagine a better film in its place.
Joe Castleton is a celebrated author and during that same morning romp (this film has a lot of bedroom shots for a couple that won’t excite a whole lot of people), he is told by Swedish officials that he has won the Nobel Prize in literature. Woohoo! Gosh, if only he weren’t such a dick, we might get to celebrate this accomplishment. After the initial champagne flow, the film becomes much more about Joan and her role in Joe’s life. At this point, ten minutes in, you will learn nothing more, not one single thing, about Joe that will make you like the man. The question is whether or not you’ll appreciate Joan, cuz she’s also no picnic, but at least her history and demeanor are a little more forgiving.
Out of curiosity, when is the last time you enjoyed a Jonathan Pryce role? I wanna say Brazil, maybe Evita. Certainly not much since. Even his Bond villainy was kinda half-assed.
The Wife wants you to know it doesn’t approve of Joe’s out-of-hand dismissals of Joan with comments like, “my wife doesn’t write.” It also doesn’t approve of his treatment of his children, or the press, or Sweden. So then it gives us a break by showing how younger Joe was also an asshole, abandoning a wife and newborn to court Joan, a student of his at the university. Dating your students isn’t even cool when you haven’t got a wife or a baby at home. Joe’s go-to move is writing love notes on walnuts and presenting them to girls he fancies. He did this in his 20s and continues to do so decades later. Ok, prof, you get an A for original thinking, a C+ for presentation and an F for general dickery. The film would be better titled “My Week Annoying Sweden” as we explore the full depths of Joe’s dickery, Joan’s slow burn, and the curious investigative reporter, Nathaniel Bone (Christian Slater), who thinks he has a bone to pick with the Castlemans.
Only people desperate for evidence of injustice done to coeds will find this picture a must watch. The Wife gets decent performances out of quality veteran actors, which would be awesome if I liked what they were performing. With the inevitable reveal and a fallout leaving the viewer hating everybody, this is the kind of film that leaves you feeling mildly disgruntled, like when you get splashed by a car driving through a puddle on a cold day. It’s not enough to destroy you, and if you’re like me, you probably won’t even mention it at work, but it happened and it left you with that same face as McKayla Maroney settling for gymnastics silver.
For those who have caught the awards bug
People for whom winning is a drug
Here is the champ
No need to vamp
Congrats on the Nobel Prize for <shrug>
Rated R, 100 Minutes
Director: Björn Runge
Writer: Jane Anderson
Genre: The fail family
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: If I disclose this, the reason for seeing the film is gone
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: However, it’s a not great film, anyway, so pretty much everybody
