You would think my lack of Korean would be an issue … or my age … or my musical tastes … or maybe just the part where I’m not a teenage girl into swoonery. You’d be right. Yet despite my complete lack of subject knowledge and the film’s disturbing lack of subtitles, I am nonetheless going to report on the boy band concert film BTS World Tour: Love Yourself in Seoul.
It’s tough to look world-weary when you don’t look old enough to shave. What? That guy is 26? Oh, you must be joking. I swear he’s 15 tops. The whole appeal of these kids is they look like somebody you’d warn to “take it easy” at prom … to which I’d fully expect a response of “shut your gob, old man” … or the Korean equivalent. Despite the language barrier, the boys of K-pop emotional manipulation factory BTS clearly needed to convey the malaise of world weariness when singing yet another ballad about how they’re heartsick, misunderstood, or, I dunno, missing a pair of sneakers. Have you tried wardrobe?
I don’t know BTS. Like, at all. I can guess what their songs mean from watching two Justin Bieber films, a One Direction film, and the reactions of the crowd around me, but I truly do not know. This stage show opted completely out of subtitles, between-numbers background excursions, or even simple introductions. That all seemed fine to the crowd around me, who accompanied each emotional or mildly sexual display with paroxysms of overwhelming ecstasy. I was nearly jealous; I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that way in my life, even when my team won the Super Bowl.
Let me stop to describe the band – seven boys (two above the standard English boy band limit, which I can only attribute to a mismatched foreign exchange rate). Imdb tells me the boys are J-Hope, Jeong-guk Jeon, Nam-joon Kim, Seok-jin Kim, Tae-Hyung Kim, Ji-min Park, and Suga, but I can best distinguish them by their temporary shade of hair color: (gets out Crayola 64 box) hmmm, there’s Dandelion, Tickle Me Pink, Macaroni & Cheese, Carnation, Black –Geez, you’re boring-, Timberwolf, and Mahogany. It looks suspiciously like Carnation is the “leader” of this seven-pack; he has the biggest stage presence.
The boys come out in leather, silk, and a lot of shiny stuff. They tend to teem a bit, as if uncomfortable with themselves when more than one is present. “Dudes! We’re over here now!” occasionally, they will line up for turns to sing; it feels like they’re about to ask individual questions of audience members. The performance area is laid out among the crowd like a huge baseball diamond with the physical Seoul stage acting as everything beyond second base. The boys circle the bases doing coordinated energetic dances. They do a lot of team celebrating when they get to home plate, the closest point to the bulk of the crowd. Awkwardly, there is a moving slidewalk going straight from second to home, bypassing third altogether. The boys posturing and pointing while shifting in and out along the slide has the effect of a tourist group who are trying desperately to cover for the fact that they’ve never before been to an airport.
The BTS show is one great big sausage fest. What is the Korean equivalent? A “Samgyeopsal fest?” Aside from the seven main fellows, there’s a small army of male dancers to back any boy who has a solo. The boys don’t quite crotch-grab a la Michael Jackson, but they gesture and gyrate a lot with what they got goin’ on. My crowd didn’t seem to mind. Oops, Dandelion is at the keyboards. Can’t have that. Far as the BTS show is concerned, that’s how the sausage is made. I didn’t see an orchestra pit, but all the instruments, aside from this one piano at this one juncture, are hidden. Dandelion shows piano skills that would impress nearly every second grader present, and gives up after a verse. Nobody wanted to see that anyway.
Every one of the seven gets a solo number; some use it to show off dancing. Some use it to brood. You can tell the true ballad blues songs because the back-up dancers leave. Midway through, the costumes change fast and furious and I suddenly detect a pattern when a select subset appears together for a rare quartet-only number. These are the four lightest crayons: Carnation, Dandelion, Tickle-Me-Pink, and Macaroni & Cheese. And they are sporting the most effeminate outfits: puffy blouses, ruby-red lipstick, and dangly earrings. Ahhhhh, I see, the lighter the hair, the more gender-fluid the member; is that it?
Personally, I think this tour should have been named: BTS Loves You Heart and Seoul, but nobody asked me.
The concert is non-stop energy for nearly two full hours. The boys do get sweaty and each is allowed to break while one of their crew is out there taking a solo for the team. The crowd loves it … I think. While there was no interim “boys-will-be-boys” exposition video play, there were also few -if any- shots of the screaming audience, either. Oh, wait, there’s one. Goody, I get to play “Spot the Man!” There he is! No, wait. Just a really tall Korean woman with terrible hair. Have to try harder.
I can’t say BTS did much for me. This is never going to be my thing, but honestly? I am a little jealous. Not just of my fellow audience members showing such delight as I’ve rarely known, but, darn it, I was into metal as a kid. Know what a metal show is like? They come out, play far too loud, and scream at you. There’s no dancing. There’s one emotion. There’s no fun. The energy is 100% in the volume. Honestly, I wish I’d been into something that really gave a show like these kids. Kudos to you, BTS. May you live beyond your fad.
♪I don’t mind
With these guys dressin’ like a girl
They dance fine
Get some shoes to go with that pearl
Yeah I know sometimes that they must cede the spotlight
Show that leather behind
Yeah, these kids are all tight♫
Not Rated, 112 Minutes
Director: ??
Writer: ??
Genre: Leather, silk, and rhinestones
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Screaming co-ed teenagers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Their fathers
♪ Parody Inspired by “The Kids Are Alright”
