Did you ever have a friend who loves a TV show sooooo much they insist that you watch an episode … they even pick out the very best episode cuz they just know you’ll be hooked if you watch it? And you watch it to be polite. You might even be excited, cuz your friend is so excited. And it just does nothing for you. That’s me watching “Dragon Ball Z. ”
Now I tried this is in the fall. My theater ran a special TBT Dragon Ball Super knowwhatI’mSaiyin’ thing a few months ago. So now I thought, “What the heck? We just did this.” Funny story. Turns out this is an entirely new remake of the same story out to appeal to the exact same people as before. And while the 90s version was a mess, this version is … also a mess, but for very different reasons.
I would like to point out right now that the 2018 iteration, Dragon Ball Super: Broly, is far more accessible than the 1993 edition. For one thing, the characters and motives are spelled out much better this time around; the last time we were here, I truly felt like I’d entered a world where everybody knew the rules but me. Now? I even understand that Dragon Balls are neither a revered galactic delicacy, nor rare reptilian genitalia. They are simply far spread orbs that when collected en masse grant the bearer a wish. Isn’t that peachy?
Like the last one, this Broly tale begins with the fate of Paragus (voice of Dameon Clarke). Twenty-six years later, Paragus still looks like a guy competing to become the #1 Mexican wrestler of all time, but at least I get his bag now. See, he has this newborn son, Broly. And I kid you not, every green, blue, purple, or plaid middle-management stooge in the galaxy carries around a special tablet that numerically evaluates the power level of any being you point it at … and even baby Broly is off the chart. Wait, this stuff doesn’t just appear naturally in the lower left-hand corner of your reality? So li’l Broly rates super advanced and the Saiyin prince gets all mad cuz his baby is only level 13 or whatever, so Broly gets banished and Paragus goes to raise his son with Khaaaaaaan on Ceti Alpha V. And if you think I’m going to give a rat’s ass about mixing my sci-fi realities when you’ve presented me a video game in movie form, you have another thing comin’.
Meanwhile, the galaxy itself has just been taken over by Frieza (Chris Ayers), a Napoleon-complex megalomaniac who spends his free time consolidating power. He wants to collect the Dragon Balls to grant him a wish of being 5 cm taller. Why does Short Round wish for only 5 cm? “So it looks natural, like I’m still growing.” That’s actually kind of adorable, in a really messed up way. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before Frieza locates, collects, and stores the powerful Broly away in his cooler for safe keeping, for the child has grown up to be so powerful and out-of-control that he requires an electrified dog collar 24/7.
And this all comes to a head when the forces of Earth (hey, that’s us!) recognize the danger and send out our big idiot Goku (Sean Schemmel). There are several more characters and minor plot points in all of this, but I was just ecstatic to understand what was going on, something clearly lacking from my summer experience. I even enjoyed a few of the characters I met. Who knew? Hey, I might just be a Dragon Baller after all.
And then the fighting started. And, I kid you not, it lasted 45 minutes. There aren’t really a whole lot of places you can go when the fighting has already escalated to nth level, but that didn’t stop the Dragon Ball assembly from punching and blasting and air-changing and aura-ing again and again and again. And if I may be a critic of the animation – the stills look good. The explosions look pretty good. But the action figures needed far more movement definition. This film too often had a dude wind up for a punch and then show a fist extended with no cel in between, more like you were watching a comic book shot frame-by-frame rather than a live-action fight. And I reiterate, this went on for forty-five minutes.
So, Dragon Ball Super: Broly, you had me, you lost me. If I may be so bold as to quote the great Dragon Ball philosopher Spock, “After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.” Yeah, yeah. See: Ass, rat’s.
Finally, in these Dragon Ball flix
I get what this orb set depicts
They glow, invite fest
And grant one request
I wish I were watching Big Hero 6
Rated PG, 100 Minutes
Director: Tatsuya Nagamine
Writer: Akira Toriyama
Genre: Pretending Japanese anime is accessible to all crowds
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Warlike boys
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People that don’t need to see a full 45 minute fight scene
