Like Robin Hood, The Three Musketeers, and the Myth of Trickle Down Economics, the legend of King Arthur never fully goes away; it just gets retold periodically to a new gullible audience. Today’s audience is all children all the time. Be careful; they’re not as gullible as they used to be.
Before I start anything here, I need to ask – does Andy Serkis have incriminating photos of some studio head? How else to you get your unremarkable child to star as King Arthur, huh? And how did that happen, anyway? Did the kid sit on Santa’s lap, get asked, “What do you want for Christmas?” and respond, “I want to be a movie star. Now.” Is that how it works? I can just see poor Santa, “Ummm, how about a pony? Those are really much easier.” “No, no. I’ve made up my mind. I want to star in a movie every kid in this country will see.” So here it is, the newest Arthurian legend brought to life and starring Louis Ashbourne Serkis, not quite the lost son of Uther Pendragon, but definitely the very unlost son of Gollum. Dragon? Gollum? They’re both reptilian, right?
Alex is noble of heart, saving his pal Bedders (Dean Chaumoo) from the savage junior high bullying of Lance (Tom Taylor) and Kaye (Rhianna Dorris). [Read: Bedevere, Lancelot, Kaye, get it?] Kaye is a teen of color which means nothing other than it’s nice of the Slytherins to branch out a little. When Alex dives in to help, he assumes Bedders’ beating, which ends up in an after school adventure involving a construction site and the sword Excalibur sticking out of some rebar. And this kid who hits like Ralphie from A Christmas Story removes the sword, instantly claiming status as King of the Britons.
Well, I naturally assumed Alex would immediately storm Buckingham Palace and tell that usurping freeloader “Queen” Elizabeth II where she can stick it. But gosh, that doesn’t happen at all. Instead, the kid gets visited by a creepy underworld demon of the night, Patrick Stewart. But first another creepy underworld demon comes into his bedroom and is dispatched by goofy Merlin (Angus Imrie). Merlin is pulling a Benjamin Button and Patrick Stewart is actually his true form, get it? No, I didn’t either.
Bottom line is the kid is the resurrection of King Arthur; Artie’s half-sister and sworn eternal foe (Rebecca Ferguson) has woken after a 1200 year nap. And, girlfriend, she doesn’t look a day over 395! And her apocalyptic night flaming sword horsemen have been dispatched to dispatch of Arthur and his improv dance crew. Don’t be intimidated; while these personified charcoal briskets are undead and menacing, they’re easier to fell than a 17th round of Jenga. I mean, geez, kid, they invest millions of dollars –sorry, pounds—in these things called movies; couldn’t you at least hold the sword as if you know what to do with it?
Ok, so I didn’t find the fantasy convincing or transporting or anything, and I was of mixed mind about the demons – they have to look frightening, but since you cannot kill children in a film for children they cannot actually do much more than frighten. Still, I enjoyed the camaraderie among the child knights and the occasional joke – like that the Lady of Lake could appear anywhere there was water, and I mean anywhere: drainage ditch, swimming pool, clogged kitchen sink… and I have to admit that while this didn’t impress me and I kept wondering about the perpetual three-ring Serkis on my screen, The Kid Who Would Be King will definitely appeal to the would-be king in your own child. It ain’t Wonder Woman, but I think it’s quite likely this film will inspire a small sword ‘n’ sorcery revival among English playgrounds.
The revival of Excalibur did spawn
A new Arthur, nay peasant nor pawn
Let me tell you one thing
Long as you’re the king
Tell Prince Chuck to get off your lawn
Rated PG, 120 Minutes
Director: Joe Cornish
Writer: Joe Cornish
Genre: Same old same old
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Kids
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Kings
