We are living in an age where political partisanship is brought front-and-center in everything we touch. Sometimes, it even makes it into public movie theaters. With that in mind, two terrible theater films came out in 2018 that proved such irresponsible and laughable examples of propagandized drivel that I refuse to blog them or mention them by name. They are here and here. While I refuse to list them below, if anyone ever cites my work claiming that FrogBlog called either the worst film of 2018, I will not deny the claim.
Now let’s get on with the films I will talk about:
Dishonorable Mention
A Wrinkle in Time
It’s truly painful to see such a well-intentioned, well-crafted, well-considered project suck with such magnitude that Diana Wynne Jones is rolling in her own grave out of sympathy for Madeleine L’Engle.
Fifty Shades Freed
You know what? You win. I’ll try bondage, whips, chains, leather, safe words, toys, whatever just so long as the torture of viewing these terrible films ends.
Pacific Rim: Uprising
Congrats! You win the Big Dumb Monsters award for 2018. In a year with a Transformers film, this is a true feat.
Paul, Apostle of Christ
Cuz who wants to see battles and scars and enlightenment when you could be watching dictation from a jail cell. It’s like Quills only it sucks … like Quills.
The First Purge
But in the review, I did rewrite the plot of this entire film to give it the kick it so sorely needed. Check it out.
Slender Man
Proved equally as scary as the title.
Nico, 1988
I assume people actually question whether a biopic is worth making long before the biopic actually gets made. Or at least I did assume such things until I saw this film. Not only do I find the subject matter wanting (are we really that entranced with the life of Christa Päffgen?), Trine Dyrholm delivers my award for worst performance of the year.
Baja
South of the border, rain or shine, drama or comedy, four stars or no stars, there’s nothing but criminality and drug running, right? Trump is a Christ-like visionary.
Wildlife
Oh good, now I want to punch director Paul Dano instead of actor Paul Dano.
Little Women
I know. I know. As classic retellings go, you were hoping to see Robin Hood in this spot. I was, too. All I can say is you didn’t see this film, and for that, do be grateful. There’s -hopefully- a better retelling out next year.
Holmes & Watson
And I’m a fan of Will Ferrell. I can but guess what Ferrell detractors think.
Bottom 10
10. The Happytime Murders
Take your muppet sex
And stick it right straight up your
Snuffleupagus
9. The Little Stranger
People are haunted
Some by life, some by the past
Me by bad screenplays
8. Tyler Perry’s Acrimony
Two films out this year
And this is your best placement?
For shame, Tyler, shame
7. Show Dogs
Breeder Convention
Panda mistaken for dog
Stupid is stupid
6. Forever My Girl
Bad Southern romance
Not Nicholas Sparks. Hey Nick,
You don’t suck alone!
5. Samson
Biblical strongman
Not quite Mensa. The screen had
More ass than jawbone
4. Gotti
Disco Johnny T
Is NYC’s Teflon Don
Results? Travolting
3. Unbroken: Path to Redemption
Lou Zamperini
Found: home, security, God
Lost: an audience
2. Suspiria
When opting remake
Number one concern should be
Have a reason why
1.Vox Lux
Natalie Portman’s
Awful performance won’t hide
She can’t sing or dance
