Didn’t Christoph Waltz already make Big Eyes? This has got to be one of the oddest exercises in role pigeon-holing in movie history. It goes something like this: if you’ve got a non-animated film that includes the element of children with absurdly over-sized eyeballs, then Christoph Waltz has to be the leading man. No, no. Don’t argue with it. It’s Hollywood. You’ll get a better answer when you ask why there are six Paranormal Activity films.
It is dystopian future #224b2: Hundreds of years down the road. Elites separated from dregs. Violent sports on wheels. In this version of 224b2, half of the population is cyborgs and mechanical doc Dyson Ido (Waltz) makes his living piecing together broken half-humans. His humanitarian (“cyborgitarian?”) efforts have left him without a whole lot of pocket change, so he spends weekends checking out cybertrash. There’s a ton of scrap metal lying around for a species that’s clearly running out of it, but no matter. And just lying there on the heap is the bug-eyed head and core of 300-year-old robot, Alita (Rosa Salazar). Oh, I see, she’s not a robot; she has a fully intact 300-year-old human brain. Sure. If we can turn DNA into dinosaurs, how much more implausible is this?
Of course, her name isn’t “Alita” when doc Ido finds her; he just fits her with his dead child’s robobody and names her after his dead child. Yeah, that’s not weird. Nor is it weird when the bug-eyed robochild displays a strong personality of her own. Within minutes, we can already draw up her yearbook page: enjoys social justice, outdoor sports, bounty hunting, and small dogs. And are ‘Lita and Hugo (Keean Johnson) an item? Oooooooo.
To pay the bills, doc is also a bounty hunter; that’s how we discover Alita’s violent skill set – she’s a remnant of legendary cyborg soldiers. Just stop if this sounds too silly at any point. That’s how it felt on screen as well. We have this machine girl come to life who kicks ass and is programmed to right wrongs and buck the system, but most of all, she really digs playing Rollerball. This whole movie is like a medieval morphing of Pinocchio, Elysium, and Rollerball. Are we really suppose to care about a cyborg who has been dead for 300 years? Yes. Yes, we are. But I draw the line at caring how her sports career is going. I mean, is she a violent societal reformer or a Rollerball queen? Or both? Is this some sort of sideways Colin Kaepernick statement about the fine line between athletics and activism?
I also object to the cheapening of life in the cyborg world. Because Alita isn’t actually 100% human, destroying her isn’t destroying her. “Ruined the old body? Just fit her for a new one.” It’s a neat trick, huh? If only a squished brain can yield an actual kill, then sliced up people can be brought back again and again and again. And believe me, they are. You’ll never see the end of Alita or her enemies; especially if there’s a sequel.
Oh, and Alita gave us a rare terrible performance by Mahershala Ali, on full display while collecting his second Oscar. It’s refreshing in a way when you realize the fabulous talent before your eyes can have bad days as well.
Robert Rodriguez is one of the world’s most fascinating artists. Like many of his films, he is a bizarre combination of brilliant and distracted. Sin City remains on my top 50 list of best movies ever. Spy Kids 4-D: All the Time in the World is not on my top 50 list of best films ever. Robert Rodriguez seems like a guy who can’t decide whether he wants to make a political statement about abuse of power or a PSA about the importance of kids brushing their teeth, so he makes both. At the same time. That’s how Alita: Battle Angel plays. Those hip to the scene will forgive the uneven ride. I found the laughable too absurd to balance the good stuff. My guess is your love for this film might have a great deal to do with your age.
♪When you pulled her off that heap
Gave her bod from your reap
Just check out angelic face
While she wrecks the market place
Doctor Ido
Whatcha know?
Unease grow
She’s got to go♫
Rated PG-13, 122 Minutes
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Writer: James Cameron and Laeta Kalogridis and Robert Rodriguez
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Battle Angels
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Misogynists
♪ Parody Inspired by “Do I Do”
