Fittingly, this “Marvel” stopped well short of being “marvelous.” I wouldn’t say Captain Marvel lacked for entertainment or was a distinct misfire, but given that the Marvel Universe has delivered Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Thor: Ragnarok, and Spider-man: Homecoming all in the past twenty-four months, perhaps my expectations were a little unrealistic. Captain Marvel feels like an episode of “The Orville.” And not exactly a sweeps episode at that.
Vers, yeah “Vers,” and pronounced “Veers” (Brie Larson) is an alien who can punch through a wall, or through her superior officer and judo buddy Jude Law when she puts her mind to it. Brie and Jude and some other heavily armed folk are Kree, a militaristic race intent on genocide of the Skrulls. It’s ok; we know the Skrulls are all bad guys cuz they’re green with pointy ears; the Skrulls are also awesome shapeshifters. If you don’t quite get that concept, just imagine you’re watching another Mission: Impossible film. Is anything more evil than the dude pretending to be your friend? I think not.
Anyhoo, Vers is set up on a mission and subsequently gets captured and tortured by Skrulls. Darn it, we haven’t even established her personality yet. Your torturing a blank slate. Why does she have memories of Earth stuff? What’s the relationship between Kree and humans? Luckily, Vers escapes using her Hulk hands, captures a getaway pod, and finds her way to Earth, which –far as I can tell- is right there; not sure how you guys can miss it. And how indestructible are Kree, anyway? Larson, marred only by a glossy space ranger outfit, doesn’t seem to have a scratch on her for all the fighting.
Oh look, a Blockbuster video. I see we’re going for the “dated” look. And, hey, there’s Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) with hair! And two eyes! With some awesome makeup on Jackson and Clark Gregg, and a Herculean display of kitsch, Captain Marvel needed us to know exactly when this story takes place. It wasn’t actually enough to drop 1990s hints about pre-cell phones, silly wardrobe choices, and Stan Lee, RIP, poring over the script from Mallrats, this set-in-the-1990s film actually indulged in the retro-kitsch of the 1990s, making a key element out of a “Happy Days” lunch box.
For those playing at home, Captain Marvel is a film released in 2019 with a story set in 1995, in which a key plot element involves a lunch box representing a TV show that was popular in the 1970s chronicling the lives of a family who lived in the 1950s. Any further time warps you wish to indulge? Maybe a piece of this mystery ties back to the Wall Street Crash of 1929 with stock purchased by President William Howard Taft twenty years earlier involving railroad tycoonery? I dunno; I’m just makin’ it up. Not unlike the film.
In essence, Captain Marvel boils down to Larson and Jackson teaming up to save themselves and maybe the universe. You can do worse than that tandem, but don’t pretend it’s a good match. The chemistry between the two is middling, and Vers –eventually our Captain Marvel– hasn’t been written well enough to keep up with Jackson’s shtick. Hence, we’re left with Jackson drawing our attention while Larson blows up crap in the background. I’m really not sure that’s the feminist feel Marvel wanted to rival Wonder Woman, dig?
Captain Marvel made for passable entertainment. The less-than-spectacular plot, twist, and action will all capture your attention, more-or-less. The tragedy is Marvel has conditioned us for better. Brie Larson won’t be shunned at Avengers meetings or anything, and yet I’m far from wanting her to be keynote speaker at the next Tony Stark press conference, ya know? The biggest reveal in Captain Marvel, for me, was not “Who is Captain Marvel?” but “How did Fury lose his eye?” And in the end I was left with one key question: in the Avenger universe, does Marvel outrank America? If those questions describe a great film, then I’m The Incredible Hulk.
♪Mar-vel just hit a Skrull
She punches like a bull
Now she’s gotta flee
To orb C-53
Her dreams gave up her birth
Now she’s on planet Earth
Only had this one plan
Now she’s got questions, man
She was gonna be a fighter
She was gonna rise by rank
She was gonna punch her way
From here to the Left Bank
Her azure kin, the Kree, are now her enemy
Teamed with that guy Jackson
There’s now work to be done
Now there’s Windows
Jumanji
Way before Tide Pod glee
There was Garth Brooks and Weezer
OJ Guilty? What a teaser
Her memory, it’s cruel
She feels just like a fool
Turns out that she’s alive
In 19,19, 1995♫
Rated PG-13, 123 Minutes
Director: Anna Boden, Ryan Fleck
Writer: Anna Boden & Ryan Fleck & Geneva Robertson-Dworet
Genre: “We’ve got a Wonder Woman, too!”
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Brie-lievers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “I’m sick of superhero films”
♪ Parody Inspired by “1985”
